Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Top 11 Movie Insults "Disses" "Slams" "Zingers"

Dishing out the perfect insult is an art form. These top 11 movie insults are uniquely artistic and creatively cutting. To better understand and appreciate these zingers I've dissected them(raping away their uniqueness). Inspired by the youtube hit and a life filled with cruel sisters and less than friendly friends, I bring to you the Top 11 Movie Insults.

11. Uncle Buck to Assistant Principle Hogarth "Uncle Buck"
Typically, a good insult requires a lovable distributor and a deserving recipient. Uncle Buck is tremendously lovable and assistant principle Hogarth (Her name is HOGARTH) is definitely a worthy recipient. However, what really makes this insult great is the use of a prop. Props to the prop. The prop, a quarter, is not extravagant or flashy (I mean it's a little flashy as it's shiny and all); but the quarter being used as trade for a rat to gnaw "that thing" (the mole) off Miss (no way she's married) Hogarth's face is genius. The message Uncle Buck sends is clear. If you have a giant mole on your face, you're a dried-out-brain-dead-scag, and you try to damper a child's creativity; you're getting a tongue thrashing. Good day to you Ma'am!
Moley Russel's Wort

10. Daniel Plainview to Eli Sunday "There Will Be Blood"
When bitter, old, alcoholic Daniel Plainview has a beef with you, it's best to steer clear. Eli Sunday, who had previously publicly humiliated Daniel, made the fatal mistake of hitting old Plainview up for money. Shit's gonna get intense (like this classic scene from The Room with equally Oscar worthy acting). Now it was Daniel's turn to do some zinging and he didn't hold anything back on this self proclaimed prophet. Plainview's delight over the failures of Eli and his hatred toward the man are terrifying.
"I broke you and I beat you"- He broke the man and then he beat the man.
"Your just the afterbirth, slithered out of your mother's filth"- This refers to the success of Eli's twin brother Paul. Paul was the smart, successful one whereas Eli doesn't even deserve to be alive. Eli was the filthy accident nobody wanted.
Plainview drank Eli's milk shake... Oh yeah and then he beat him to death with a bowling pin.
I Drink It Up!

9. The Merry Men to King John (Behind his Back)"Robin Hood"
Now to insult a man (scrawny little lion) behind his back is a little weak but to put it in song is genius. Everybody loves an impromptu slam session through song, and Robin Hood and his Merry Men do a fine job dissing the crown while breaking it down (old school). And honestly what's a list of great movie insults without some Disney in it?
"And down with that Scurvy Prince John"- Scurvy is the result of a deficiency of vitamin C typically found in sailors who didn't eat their vegetables. Some nasty symptoms are leg rashes and bleeding gums.
"Incredible as he is inept, Whenever the history books are kept, They'll call him the Phoney King of England"- He can't do anything right, he's a fake, and everybody's going to know it. You're in trouble when you're in the history books for the wrong reasons.
"Breezy and uneasy...Blabbering jabbering..."-Sporkeling porkeling, juicen abusen... Rhyming is fun.

8. Gordie Lachance to Ace Merrill "Stand By Me"
Some serious street cred is owed to Gordie after this dis. Ace Merrill is the town bully (certainly headed to a stint in the pen) and close to twice Gordie's age. Gordie is the geeky forgotten little brother of the town hero, but Gordie puts Ace in his rightful place. Ace does start off with one mediocre dis "You Ain't got the sack to shoot a woodchuck" before Gordie drops the "big one"(pun intended you'll see). There's no doubt that bringing a gun to a knife party helps out in this little situation, but Gordie's unrelenting confidence and disregard for reprisal emphasize his lack of fucking around. The kid means business.
"Suck my fat one you cheap dime store hood."- The "Fat one " Gordie is referring to is his penis. Fat indicates that he believes the size of his "member" to be larger than others. Ordering Ace to suck "it" indicates Gordie's dominance. "Cheap dime store hood" refers to Ace being a petty criminal, a small time thief; which is a significant insult to a guy like Ace who thinks he's big time.
Biggest One In Four Counties

7. Wesley to Prince Humperdinck "The Princess Bride"
Rarely does a slam session done so perfectly happen at such a climactic moment. Wesley starts out strong by insulting Prince Humperdinck's intelligence and calling him a "warthog faced buffoon". A buffoon is basically a clown or a fool, but by adding warthog face (which in most cases other than the twilight zone is not an attractive look) he portrays his absolute disdain for the man. However, what makes this slam so effective are the insults following the sentences Wesley dishes after explaining the "fight to the pain" to Humperdinck. "Pig"(keeping in theme with earlier remarks) and "misearble vomitous mass" (much worse than an "estimable vomitous mass") are used almost casually, but they still emphasize Wesleys dominance over and lack of respect for Humperdinck Humperdinck Humperdinck!

6. French Guard to King Arthur "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
Absolute ridiculousness at it's finest. First of all, you have the French who've built a castle in England. Insulting. Second they are catapulting farm animals. Dangerous and Insulting. Third they are insulting King Arthur with less than bruise-inflicting blows. Not Particularly Intimidating or Smart but Insulting. The zingers don't have much punch, but they come from the heart. So what they lack in wit they make up for in will power. You can feel the scorn in every syllable and every catapulted cow.
"I fart in your general direction"- Nobody wants to be farted at.
"You're mother was a hamster and you father smelt of elderberries."- Elderberries are often made into jam and wine, they probably have a sweet smell. And we all know it's embarrassing if your Dad smells like anything other than sweat, cigars, and gasoline.
"Tiny brained wipers of other people's bottoms."- Having a tiny brain would suggest lower intelligence, and wiping other people's bottoms would be a pretty degrading task.
I Fart In Your General Direction.

5. Mad Maynard to the French and other European cultures"Eurotrip"
Proof that the English making fun of the French in France is just as ridiculously insulting as the French making fun of the English in England. Got it? Hooligans (named Mad Maynard) traveling the wrong way down a one way in a double decker, english flag branded bus. Already wonderfully insulting. And then Boom! The verbal assualt bombs are dropped. Yes, most of the zingers are a tad hard to understand but I think that hooligan-ness adds some spice to the slam.
"Snail Eating Puss"- Snails do not taste good, however, the french seem to like them.
"Gaelic Garlic bread tossers"- Making fun of the Scottish and Irish? Gaels typically refer to the Irish and Scottish highlanders. Garlic Bread Tossers - necessary if vampires be frontin'.
"Buggy I-ty shi-ties???"- Must be some Italians roaming around there too.
"Let's give this Nancy a fucking good kicking."- Let us kick (multiple times) this wimpy boy. Nancy the most versatile and effective of all insults.

4. Malibu Sheriff to the Dude"The Big Lebowski"
The Dude is not successful or interesting or particularly talented, but he is an enviable man. He's enviable because he takes joy in the simple things: White Russians, his bowling league, and the rug that tied the room together. He tries to do the right thing and he doesn't ask for more than he deserves. It's impossible to dislike the guy and yet he finds himself in the age-old situation of being drugged by a porn producer and arrested by the "Fascist" Malibu police. He doesn't deserve this verbal abuse but that doesn't diminish the mastery of the dis.
"I don't like your jerk off name"
"I don't like your jerk off face"
"I don't like your jerk off behavior"
"And I don't like you, jerk off"
- Jerk off basically means to masturbate but masturbate name, masturbate face, and masturbate behavior doesn't make much sense. However, jerk off is also commonly used as a more derogatory synonym to "worthless" or "good for nothing".
"Keep your ugly fucking gold-bricking ass out of my beach community"- Gold-bricking is similar to jerk off as it means to appear valuable but actually be worthless. Furthermore, the sheriff also calls the Dude ugly (not the first cut but maybe the deepest) which can lead to low self esteem which can lead to depression which can lead to over eating which typically leads to health problems and consequentially death.
He Throws A Mug At His Head

3. Peter Pan aka Peter Banning vs. Rufio "Hook"
Oh boy there's a lot to cover with this zing-a-thon. Rufio is a clear favorite going into the bout and he starts off strong, but we soon find out he can't take the heat. Peter starts off weak, (I mean like Abe Vigoda after a marathon weak) but then again he might have just been pulling an Ali (rope a dope) because he finished with some serious strength. At their best, Peter and Rufio unload some serious blows eerily similar to Ali vs. Foreman.
Rufio's Best Zinger:
"You are a Fart Factory, slug slimmed sack of rat guts in cat vomit. A cheesy scab picked pimple squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side."- A fart factory would suggest that you probably don't have many friends. "Slug slimmed sack" the alliteration dis is poetically hurtful. Then you have all those nasty words jumbled up in the middle of the slam that don't seem to really make any sense. And finally, being a maggot burger is bad but being a potentially stale (week old) maggot burger WITH flies is disgraceful.
Peter's Best Zinger:
"You two toned, zebra headed, slime coated, pimple farming, paramecium brain, munchin' on your own mucus, suffering from Peter Pan envy."- Farming pimple's doesn't sound very lucrative and it's certainly not aesthetically pleasing. To munch on one's own mucus seems almost necessary if you are slime coated, but you don't want to be slime coated in the first place. However the two insults that hit hardest are Paramecium brain and Peter Pan Envy. Peter goes the extra mile by explaining why Rufio is a paramecium brain. And lastly, calling Rufio out on his Peter Pan envy hits even harder because nothing hurts more than the truth.
Bangarang Peter

2. Ham Porter to Phillips "The Sandlot"
There are a couple really strong disses leading up to the climax, but the final blow secures this confrontation as one of the greats. One might even call it the "Sultan of Slams".
"You play ball like a girl"- Six little words creating a world of hurt. One must be reminded that this movie takes place in the early 60's and is centered around a young, male, teenage baseball team. Now in a purely classical sense (which an early 60's young man might view the world), girls are thought of to be less skilled athletes especially in a male dominated sport like baseball. Baseball was the national pastime so for someone to tell you that you play ball like a girl is the ultimate insult. It would be like today if Bernie Maddof told Nevin Shapiro he stole money like a blue collar criminal. It's hard to bounce back from a slam like that.
Hamilton"Ham" Porter became a legend after this slam, and heroes get remembered but legends never die.
The Great Hambino

1. Alfalfa via Buckwheat to Darla "The Little Rascals"
This zinger is out of context and that's probably why it was so effective. The delivery is perfect and the reaction classic, but the poetry and word play are what really hit hard.
"Dear Darla"- A fine start.
"I hate your stinkin' guts"-Guts typically refer to the small intestine and the small intestine (although often smelly as it is part of the gastrointestinal track) is a very important part of digestion and the absorption of nutrients. And so to hate one's guts is like telling them that you hate that they are absorbing nutrients and therefore would like them to be very weak or dead.
"You make me vomit"- Common things that induce vomiting: smell of poop, smell of rotting organic materials, other people vomiting, dehydration, and poison. None of these things are good (unless the poison is alcohol making it sometimes good).
"You're scum between my toes"- We can assume he is talking about athletes foot aka ringworm of the foot. The fungus can cause inflammation, blisters, swelling, pain, scaling, flaking, and itchiness. In other words it's totally not cool.
"Love Alfalfa"- Condescension at its best.
Ooooh Tay

Honorable Mention:
Scooby to Shaggy back to Scooby "Scooby-Doo (The Movie)"
Scooby: "Rell your rother eats rat roop."
Shaggy: "No Scooby-Doo, YOUR mom eats cat poop!"- Momma jokes.
Truth be told, I couldn't find a good video clip of this zinger therefore it did not make the top 11.

Kip to Deb "Napoleon Dynamite"
"Your mom goes to college."- She's gonna need some aloe vera for that burn.

Jimmy Dugan to Evelyn and to the Ump "A League of Their Own"
To Evelyn: "Now you start using your head, that's the lump three feet above your ass."
Personal Insult Experience: "Talking Pile of Pig shit"- I think I'd like to see that.
To the Ump: "Anybody tell you, you look like a penis with a little hat on?" Penis Head...Classic.

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