Saturday, December 11, 2010

Top 11 Reasons to be Fat

11. Cool Nicknames- Seems to me that the best nicknames out there are reserved for those of the “plus” sized genre. There are various ways to go about declaring a nickname, although in most cases you won't have much of a say in the matter. Whether you get to choose the nickname or not I’m sure you’ll be pleased. There are two basic categories "ironic" and "apparent nicknames". the ironic nicknames include gems like: Bones, Slim-Jim (preferably for those named Jim), Tiny, and Featherweight (a weight class in boxing with a max limit at 126 lbs.). On the other end of the spectrum, you have the apparent nicknames like: Jabba (referring to Jabba the Hut of Star Wars fame), Deep Dish (a thick crusted, buttery, chunky, and delicious pizza), Fluffy, and B-52 (a big, slow and yet forceable U.S. Air Force Bomber). Having any of these nicknames would be a privilege.

10. Mascots – Many mascots don’t require (or at least shouldn’t require)“in-shape” individuals to don the gear. In fact, someone a little “fluffier” would fill out the suit and make it a bit more genuine. If the mascot isn’t designed to do flips or jump through fiery hoops, then those in the suit should represent the "well-rounded" outer appearance. Imagine the Phillie Phanatic, or Dinger of the Colorado Rockies, or Otto the Orange of Syracuse jiggling his belly only to find out that the person inside the suite doesn’t have a belly. That would be an outrage! High-flying acrobatic mascots definitely deserve their time on the court or field, but there is also a time for the goofy, roly-poly, and most importantly (for the children) huggable mascot.

9. The Acronyms- F, A, and T can stand for many things and when you’re fat you represent them all.
F.A.T. Fresh as Tits. Translation- One who is super cool. Ex: Damn that kid is FAT!
F.A.T. Finest All Time. Translation- One who has always been and will always be the best. Ex: She’s FAT and she knows it.
F.A.T.T.Y. Fighter Against Torturous Tyrannical Youths. Translation- One who takes action against or is in conflict with youths who oppress. Ex: Whoa, look at that FATTY go.
F.A.A.T.T. Friendly Almost All the Time. Translation- One who is friendly almost all the time. Ex: That person over there is FAATT!!!

8. The Window and the Aisle Seat- Ever sat next to that person on the plane who just won’t shut-up? Well the obese don’t have to…unless they are that person. Imagine not having to choose between the window and the aisle. You get the view of the window seat and you don’t have to step over anyone to go to the bathroom. If, God forbid, there happens to be a middle seat on your airplane you still only have to lean over one to get the view (which I'm positive they won't mind) or only step over one person to get to the aisle. However, there are some things to consider before boarding an airplane: have you gone to the bathroom? Airplane bathrooms may be too small. Did you eat before boarding? Airplane food is just not substantial enough. And what was the last thing you ate? You along with everyone else on the plane will have to deal with a potentially bad decision in your preflight food choice.

7. The Fashion – When overweight, clothing in general becomes much simpler. There are fewer choices in the plus sized categories (less shopping time), and lucky for you there is a copious amount of tie-dye T-shirts, Cosby sweaters, and football jerseys. Also, never again will you have to worry about matching your belt with your shoes because your "blue, elastic-band sweat pants" don’t have belt loops and your shoes are white (only color available) orthopedic slip-ons. Another plus for being plus sized, you won’t ever have to agonizingly tie your shoes again. Why? Because most shoe laces create excess strain and stress to an over-sized foot; therefore, Velcro or slip-on shoes are safer and of course much more fashionable. And let’s face it; sometimes tying your shoes just isn’t an option.

6. Summer All Year Round- Hate wearing pants and long sleeved shirts? Is your jacket zipper always getting jammed? Well when you’re rotund you don’t have to worry about these problems because you are your own jacket and pants. Similar to most mammals of the arctic regions, the overweight carry with them insulation (blubber or fat) everywhere they go. You are always warm. Instead of having four seasons like most people, you typically have a hot season (coinciding with the summer months) and a very warm season (all other months of the year). Some refer to the hot season as the rainy or wet season because there may be some excessive sweating, but nothing a towel can’t fix. Most people take vacations to expensive tropical locations during the winter to escape the cold…imagine the money saved when every day is like a tropical paradise.

5. Buoyancy - All those worried about a flood of biblical proportion, only need to eat those worries away. Literally all they need to do is start overdosing on those trans fats and carbs. The reason, fat is less dense than water. Therefore, fat people have an easier time staying afloat. Another benefit of buoyancy: your airplane (in which you had the aisle and window seat) crashes on a deserted island and now you think you’re stranded until you realize that you are your own life raft. Plus if we learned anything from LOST, you'll likely be stranded with a bunch of smokin' hot babes and eventually become the ruler/proctor of the island... if you decide not to float away. Just another benefit of being Fat and Lovable.

4. The Accolades – “Good for You” “Ata Boy” “You’re Doing It”, Skinny people love to compliment those trying to lose weight because they believe that the fat want to be skinny. Whether this is true or not, the compliments are nice. The accolades can come in many different forms: words of encouragement, pat on the butt, weeping hugs, and let us not forget (by far the most rewarding form of encouragement) the treats. If one of them "skinnies" think you are trying to shed off the pounds they might reward your hard work with a “special” treat… let’s just hope they’re talking about ice cream or maybe a bucket of fried chicken. It is easier to get away with (and not feel guilty about) gorging yourself if someone witnesses the effort you put into losing the weight. However, it is important if you do decide to lose the jelly to make sure everyone knows it. As long as they can “see” a change, the accolades can be abundant.

3. Sumo Wrestling - The more body mass the bigger the advantage. I’m not saying all fat people can sumo wrestle, but skinny people simple cannot. It’s the only legitimate sport that skinny people don't STAND a chance in. Some sumo wrestlers make more than $30,000 a month on salary in addition to their prize money. Become a professional sumo wrestler and never have to worry about your next meal, what to wear or what to do with your hair, or worry about driving a car. Because your meals are prepared for and you don’t have to spend any of your salary or winnings on it (which you can save for retirement or alcohol). You get to do-up your hair in a super cool and always trendy “top knot” like a samurai warrior. You never have to worry about what to wear because every day you wear a traditional Japanese dress which provides abundant breathing room for your sensitive parts. And lastly, you'll never have to be the designated driver because professional sumo wrestlers aren't allowed to drive. Sounds pretty cruisey to me.

2. Peeing in Private (only really relevant for males)–
Uncomfortable with the close proximity of the urinals at your frequented watering hole? Or maybe you’re at a football game and they have one of the troughs in the bathrooms. Well if you’re fat you can wait to use the stall without losing your dignity. A skinny guy who waits in the stall line and only has to pee is slowing down traffic and the delicate balance of input and output in the bathroom ecosystem. And because there is the "No Talking in the Bathroom" code, people won't know what's holding up the line; and if there is a little splash on the toilet seat the skinnies better be skinny enough to run away. However, a fat guy who waits in the stall line is being courteous. If it is a trough situation he isn’t taking up any extra peeing space, and if it’s a urinal there is still the chance he might incidentally rub against the gents on his flanks. Most everybody would prefer to pee with a little privacy but the only good excuse if the bathroom is crowded to use a stall for #1, is to be fat.

1. Rascals (Motorized Scooters) - It is now socially acceptable to ride around on a motorized scooter. It may be slower than walking and in the event that you come upon a staircase, curb, or sidewalk crack you may be in trouble. However, every other person out there has to use their legs (like Neanderthals) as their primary source of transportation. The Rascal becomes part of the body (like a futuristic robot) including one awesome basket in the front to carry your belongings. The obese have trouble squeezing their plump hands into already tight pockets, but with a basket attached to your front “eff” pockets. Instead enjoy the luxury of an open air basket. Those worried about speeding too fast down slope, fear not; the Rascal has an extremely practical safety component that doesn’t allow speeds of more than 5 miles per hour. Additionally, the Rascal has a lifetime warranty of 3 years!! You’ll never have to walk a day in your life.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Top 11 Worst People at a Football Game

11. The Shy Uncomfortable Quiet Person
Every group has one. This person is too afraid to cheer on their favorite team so they kind of just stand or sit there quietly not sure how to react. They aren’t necessarily having a bad time; they’re just too embarrassed and shy to act like a fan. The smart ones, who don’t want to be put on the spot, often develop techniques to hide their awkwardness. My favorite: “The Mout” or “Mute Shout”. The Mout is often seen when "Uncomfortable Quiet Person" notices the teleprompter signs to “Get Louder” or “Make Some Noise”. To fit in they will often open their mouth and pretend to be screaming hoping it’s too loud for anyone to notice that nothing is actually coming out, hints the Mout. Quiet, shy people should probably stay at home to watch the game or pay the extra for a box seat.

10. The BruiserAhh yes, who is the lucky person who gets to stand next to the Bruiser? “The Bruiser” is quite literally the overly-excited fan that enjoys beating on his/her comrades. I say “his/her” but let’s be honest it is almost always a “his”. After a touchdown or even a first down the "Bruiser" punches you in the arm or smacks your back or butt. This is not a light punch or smack, oh no it’s pretty close to full force. Another key move is “The Shake”. The Bruiser forcefully grabs you by the shoulders and literally shakes you until he’s satisfied with the percentage powdered vertebrae to those only partially fractured (Typically a 95-100% satisfaction rate!) Keep small children away from this fan.

9. The Debbie DownerLet’s face it, we all know at least one and probably quite a few “Debbie Downers” especially if your team hasn’t been good for a while. They are easily recognizable as the person who “just doesn’t care anymore!” When in fact they care very much and are the first back on the bandwagon (because they never really got off). This person likes to throw around sentences like: “Oh! Here we go again.” and “Welp I coulda seen that coming!” Whatever the team did to this person the damage has been done, and it is now nearly impossible to please him/her. Say their team has a big win, they’ll respond with “I guess the other team took an off day” or “I don’t want to get too excited so that they (his/her team) can just tear me down next week”. There may not be a solution to the “Debbie Downer”. They just need to be avoided and ignored so their whining cannot contaminate anyone else’s enjoyment.

8. The Other
There is very little more annoying than being situated next to someone rooting for the other team. They have a right to be at the game and they’re probably sitting with a friend or a family member from the good guys, but they should never be cheering. Often times they try to be the loudest one there in an attempt to say “hey we have better fans than you.” Whatever you do, do not egg this person on by yelling at them to “sit down” or “go over to your own section”. Obviously if they are loud and annoying they want the attention. The best thing to do is when your team scores or has some huge play get loud, overly excited, jumping up and down, and if on “accident” you happen to spill “The Others” beer or soda all over him/her in your jubilatory dance apologize BUT Do Not buy a new one!

7. The Bitter Ex-Player
He played second string wide receiver on the JV squad his sophomore year of high school, but if he were out there he would’ve made that catch. The “truth” is coach never really gave him a chance. Sure he was only 5’2” and a little more than 180 pounds with a 5.8 40 time, but he understood football. Athleticism will only get you so far (the Pros) but if you really understand the game nothing can stop you…except maybe that guy who would’ve been guarding you who is a foot taller with 4.3 speed. Ex-player: “I could’ve completed that pass.” Yeah maybe with a NERF Vortex football (not saying those are lame because they’re totally awesome) or when you were playing 8 vs. 8 2A football in high school against the freshman team. The best thing you can do for one of these “Bitter Ex-Players” is encourage them to try out for the team as a walk on.

6. The Insider
“The Insider” knows all! He is most easily recognized as the guy predicting the next play as if he were in fact the coach or an offensive coordinator. In respect to him, he does know a lot about his team and football lingo, but he’s also probably an arrogant ass. He likes to talk to people he doesn’t know and who are trying to avoid eye contact with his constant staring. Once recognition is initiated he states things like: “they’ll blitz the corners on this play and drop back a linebacker.” Unfortunately he is sometimes right, which just encourages him to predict every one of the next plays. However, the worst situation is if his prediction is wrong and the other team has a big play he now has the right to gloat about “if they would’ve listened to me” or “I should be running this team.” On the other hand, when he predicts a play and they do something totally different and it works out perfectly; you have the right no no the obligation to give him shit. “Hey buddy maybe if you were running this team we’d be looking at another 3rd and long.”

5. The ProfessorNow this guy is not actually a professor, he just believes himself to be an expert on all things football. He’s the one in the stands probably by himself wearing the radio Walkman circa 1995. For awhile he may not seem too special until you or someone near you questions a call or even comments about a certain play. For instance: You- “Oh I’ve never heard of that call before.” The Professor (leaning in a bit too close with strong nacho breath)- “ Well ever since Ken Stabler and the “Holy Roller” (he will make quotations in the air) of the Oakland Raiders on September 10, 1978 beat the Chargers blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda.” A little while later: You- “Man that was an amazing play I can’t believe he got that off (of course not directed toward The Professor).” The Professor-“John Elway of the late 80’s was a far better scrambler, in fact…” Bottom line is I don’t really care for a history listen or bits of hotdog spit in my face Thank You Very Much.

4. The New Couple
What’s the best thing about a football game? If you answered standing next to your buddy and his new girlfriend smooching it up, you’re probably a creep. I can handle hand holding and the occasional celebratory hug or peck on the check, but anything more gets a tad uncomfortable. The “New Couple” aren’t bad people just confused (due to excess hormone production) of their surroundings. So here is a short list of do’s and don’ts. First of all, the only kind of tongue action that should be Okayed at a game is when licking the mustard off the edge of your own lips. Second, the sensual rubbing of each other’s backs especially when the hand slips under the shirt is a definite no no. Remember there is probably someone standing/sitting right behind you potentially capable of reading out the words being “written” by your finger tips on her back. Third, a football game is no place for terms of endearment like “snookums”, “sweet-pea”, or “honey-buns”. Plus I’m pretty sure “honey-buns” is not endearing and certainly not something to be shared amongst a crowded stadium, that actually might be something worth checking out at the doctor’s office.

3. The Dumb Drunk Kid Yelling at Referees/Own Team’s PlayersThey are probably right behind you and have something to say about every call (detrimental or beneficial) and every play. Let me paint you a picture: It’s 3rd and 10, our quarterback is scrambling out of the pocket, and nobody’s open down field, he takes off running and picks up the ten yards. A great play on most accounts. However, the quarterback (Our Quarterback!) ducks out of bounds or slides before he gets hit causing these guys behind you to yell “pussy” and “be a man” (once again to our quarterback)because it is more important to risk injury after the fact of making a great play than save yourself for the rest of the season. Another quick example: The opposing team’s kicker makes a field goal, it’s signaled good, and the kids behind you yell “bullshit” BEAUTIFUL! Obviously we in the stands on the 30 yard line have a better angle than the refs directly beneath each upright.

2. The Wave StarterArguably the worst individual in the stadium! The “Wave Starter” believes himself to be the most devoted and enthusiastic fan. He believes a successful wave indicates his power and the want for everyone else to be as awesome as him. He uses the words awesome and stoked on a daily basis. He believes everyone not doing the wave is a bad fan. He has now missed the last five minutes of the game trying to get the wave going. He is also the same guy who tries to rush the field after a mediocre win over a .500 team. He is sometimes a she but on very few occasions. He is probably not wearing a shirt accompanied with neon colored shorts and high socks. He doesn’t tie his shoes. He brushes up against your girlfriend. He is Doucher McDoucherson. He is “The Wave Starter”.

1. The Sick KidOf course you are seated next to the kid who pre-gamed a little too hard and now is having trouble holding down his twelfth beer that hour. Or maybe it’s the kid who accidently swallowed his mouth full of chew. “The Sick Kid” is first referred to as “The Farter” before the alcohol really starts to kick in and the farts gain a little more substance. If you’re lucky and next to him, you get to endure the occasional gagging or maybe even a little vomit production. Best case scenario he has to get up and go to the bathroom every five minutes. I used the pronoun “he” because in my experience I have never encountered the “Sick Kid” girl. She usually has the decency, common sense, or just doesn’t have the will power to make it into the stadium. So it’s that “Guy” dry heaving bent over asshole unable to open his eyes that I’m talking about as the #1 Worst Person at a football game.

Friday, September 3, 2010

11 Best Names for Mixed Drinks

I was researching some mixed drinks that I could possibly make at home and naturally got distracted by some of the names. From the names I came across these were my eleven favorite...and I probably can't afford any of them at a bar if they know what I am talking about.

11.Pink Elephants on Parade 2 oz Vodka 4 oz Pink lemonade 2 tblsp Sugar 0.5 oz Midori melon liqueur Mix, drink fast, shudder
The name is completely ludicrous, which is why it’s sooo awesome. Not too mention, the ingredients include: “drink fast” and “shudder.”

10. Iceberg in Radioactive Water 3 oz Midori melon liqueur 1 oz Malibu rum 1 oz Banana liqueur 6-8 oz Pineapple juice 1 scoop Vanilla ice-creamPlace all drinks into glass and add ice-cream at the end.
The Titanic accident never would have happened because everyone knows you can pass right through an iceberg in radioactive water. However, once passed through you get the "Jimmy Legs" the remainder of your life. Which pretty much means you have to make your bed every morning, so it's debatable which iceberg is actually worse to run into.

9. Miner's Lung 3 shots Vodka Fill with Guinness stout. Place three shots of Vodka into a pint size beer glass, and fill the rest of the glass with GuinessThe name sounds painful and the ingredients sound like your drinking glass. I figure I'll have to try it. If your Gonna be a Bear be a Grizzly!!

8. Caribbean Boilermaker 1 bottle Corona 1 shot Light rum. Pour the Corona into an 18oz beer glass pour the rum into the beer.
You have the Caribbean: beautiful, refreshing, clear. Then you have Boilermaker: sore-eyed, sweaty, and mucky. So my guess is that this drink tastes good and refreshing, but leaves you sick and grimy for days.

7. Smeraldo 3/10 oz dry Gin 3/10 oz tropical Fruit juice 2/10 oz Blue Curacao 1/10 oz Cointreau 1/10 oz Peach nectarPut all in a Shacker with Ice, shake it for a while and serve in a cold Cocktail glass
"Threve, the combination of three and five" Smeraldo, the combination of Geraldo (as in Geraldo Rivera) and Smeagol (as in pre - crazy gollum). It has to be good!

6. Wild Squirrel Sex 1 shot Stoli Lemon vodka 1 shot Stoli Strawberry vodka 1 shot Stoli Orange vodka 1 shot Stoli Raspberry vodka 1 shot Amaretto. Fill 1/2 Sour mix Fill 1/2 Cranberry juice Top with Grenadine. Fill 160z. cup with ice. Add shots, sour mix, and cranberry juice. Top with splash of greandine.
Just a great name, and I can kind of imagine this drink tasting like how wild squirrel sex looks. Painful with a hint of Is It Done Yet?

5. Electric Watermelon 1 part Vodka (Sterling) 1 part Light rum (Bacardi) 1 part Midori melon liqueur 2 splashes Triple sec Fill with Sweet and sour 1 splash Grenadine 1 splash 7-Up Add equal Parts Vodka, Rum, and Melon in a tall cocktail glass with ice. Add a couple of splashes of triple sec (orange Liquor). Fill to the top with sweet and sour. Add a splash of 7 up and grenadine.
Imagine if you swallowed an Electric Watermelon seed! I imagine that's what killed the dinosaurs.

4. Mexican Hillbilly 16 oz Corona 1 shot Jack Daniels Pour mug of Corona then drop in shot of Jack Daniels.
A basic drink to represent one of the most magnificent of human beings. To tell you the truth I'm not sure what a Mexican Hillbilly is, but I'd like to think they host gator vs. chupacabra caged fights.

3. Pajama Jackhammer 3 oz pineapple Guava juice 1 oz Vodka (Absolut) 1 oz Blue Curacao 1 oz Peach schnapps Mix all ingredients and serve with shaved ice.
The Pajama Jackhammer has to be some sort of sex position only few people know about. A great name for a drink that actually looks delectable... I would try it if I wasn't the manly, bearded, Piss my name in the snow man that I am.

2.Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster 35 cl Tia maria 35 cl Vodka 17.5 cl Cherry brandy 1 dash Lime juice 1/2 glass 7-Up 1/2 glass dry Cider About 4 Ice cubesTake a pintglass (= approx. 0.5 litres) Put the Tia Maria, the vodka and the cherry brandy together. Add a dash of lime juice. Fill the rest of the glass up with (50% - 50%) with dry cider and 7 -up Add ice cubes.
I'm not sure if a "Gargle Blaster" is a good thing or bad thing, but I want one. It could be a sexual innuendo or it could be just a totally awesome name for a drink/video game/nick name/ spaceship.

1. Muppet:1/2 part Tequila 1/2 part 7-Up. Pour half a glass with Tequila and the other half with 7-up. Palm the top of the glass (so the liquid will not come out) and hit the table so it will stir, and you drink the whole.
I just like picturing myself going to a bartender and asking for a muppet. Also, you stir it by hitting the table??? How cool is that. But why not just slosh it around or stir it with a straw? Maybe hitting the table is a more sophisticated way to stir a sophisticated drink like "The Muppet". Or maybe it's because muppets often have a tough time gripping little straws in their soft little muppet fingers? I don't know, but I have dreamt about being a muppet on various occassions and there are some serious limitations.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Top 11 People in Sports that Look Like Fictional Characters

The title pretty much says it all. It’s easy to look like somebody real, but it takes something special to look fictional. So here we honor those talented individuals. The fictional characters derive from a few of my favorite TV shows, movies, and one commercial. The comparison is based primarily on physical characteristics, but surprisingly a few couples share more than just exterior similarities. Enjoy!

11. Jake Plummer: Geico Caveman

The caveman is technically non-fiction, but the geico caveman living in Today's world is definitely fiction. This comparison is one of the couples that share more in common than looks. The Geico caveman is under appreciated and not given a fair chance. Similarly, Jake Plummer (like every other quarterback following Elway) was never given much of a chance in Denver.

10. Jason Kidd: Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter

Both terrify me, and I'm pretty sure Jason Kidd has a few horcruxes hidden away somewhere.

9. John Chaney: Archimedes from The Sword in the Stone

Is it a coincidence the Temple Owls coach John Chaney looks like an owl? No, I'd say it's more like fate. Aside from looks, Chaney and Archimedes both share brains, stubbornness, and resting on tree branches.

8. Lou Holtz: Grandpa from The Simpson’s

Loveable? Both of them. Senile? One of them, but it's tough to say which one!

7. Mike Shanahan: ET

Two of my favorite characters happen to be so very similar. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a good picture of ET screaming (like in the scene when Drew Barrymore first see's him), but these pictures do display the similar skin tones and wrinkled necks. Not to mention both have glowing hearts!

6. Charlie Villanueva: Leonardo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

When I was younger I wanted to be a Ninja Turtle, as I got older I began to realize it could never be... I don't have fast enough reflexes to be a ninja. Villanueva has the looks and might have the athleticism.

5. Tony Siragusa: Jabba the Hut

Both are a force to be reckoned with and I imagine without the headset and the shirt they'd be indistinguishable.

4. Alexi Lalas: Animal from The Muppets

Muppets and US soccer are like Peanut Butter and Pickles: A great combination often overlooked.
3. Pau Gasol: Big Bird from Sesame Street

Many argue Pau to look more like a Llama, but first of all llamas are the worst and second I think these pictures speak for themselves.
2. John Daly: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

They are more body doubles than anything else, and each have a bit of a temper. However, no matter what these characters do, show up hung over to a golf tournament or attack New York City, they'll always have a special place in our hearts.
1. Al Davis: Gollum from Lord of the Rings

Al Davis and Gollum share much in common other than obviously their physical appearance. They're both crazy, both in search for a ring, and both eat fish right out of the river.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Top 11 Best Trailers Accompanied by Bad Movies!

This list consists of some of the best trailers ended up tricking us into watching their bad full length counterpart. The way the ranking system works is: the better the trailer the better the ranking (closer to #1) and the worse the movie the better the ranking (closer to #1). Now I’m sure I will leave some pretty awful movies with good trailers out of this list and so I welcome comments.

11. Hancock (2008) Hancock came out right in the midst of all the super hero movies, but this superhero movie had a twist. The trailer shows a loser of a superhero, potentially the only one in the world, who is hated by the people. So when Hancock volunteers to go to prison, society realizes how much they need him. The trailer looks entertaining, funny, and intense; and the movie is entertaining, funny, and intense… for the first half. The last half of the movie is just sort of bizarre and certainly unsatisfying. It started as a unique superhero movie that transitioned into a confusing hodgepodge of scenes. (Trailer 85% good Movie 55% bad)

10. Semi-Pro (2008) Semi-Pro had a pretty good trailer but its teaser trailer and Bud Light commercials were phenomenal. Will Ferrell doesn’t have to say anything to sell a movie; he’s probably the funniest comedic actor in the last decade. However, maybe he should have told us not to waste our time on this movie comprised basically of short skits meshed together. Semi-Pro would have done better cut-up on a web site like “Funny or Die” because it didn’t have enough substance to be a full length movie. Jackie Moon, Will Ferrell’s character, is too similar to Ron Burgundy except not as loveable. Semi-Pro is a movie you won’t need to or want to see more than once! (Trailer 80% good Movie 65% bad)

9. Year One (2009) Year One is one of those trailers chained together by great jokes. Unfortunately, all the best jokes of the movie are in the trailer “The Polly of Polies”. Jack Black and Michael Cera presumably make a great team, but the story was just too dumb (lack of a better word) and uneventful. Nothing really happens the entire movie! The movie consisted of a couple good jokes closely followed by a slew of witless, forced jokes. This movie was a total disappointment, especially coming from the director of Caddyshack and Groundhogs Day, Harold Ramis. (Trailer 80% good Movie 70% bad)

8. Funny People (2009) The Funny People Trailer looked hilarious and heartfelt, which one would imagine to be the recipe for a great movie. Great trailer songs, a great cast, and an interesting plot drew the audience into what looked to be Judd Apatow’s next great movie. Why would anybody believe it to be bad he hadn’t really had a movie flop before? The movie started off pretty funny, especially the opening credits, and was legitimately funny and interesting for the first hour. In most cases an hour of good, funny material would be enough but this is a two and a half hour movie! It is way too long, and the second half is far too awkward and slow. After the first hour the movie had no rhythm, and the audience was just waiting for it to end. If only they knew, they had an hour and a half left! (Trailer 90% good, Movie 65% bad)

7. Spiderman 3 (2007). What is there to say about Spiderman 3? Honestly, it didn’t really need a trailer. People were going to see this film solely on the fact that Spiderman 1&2 were so good. Obviously, a trailer was released (a very exciting, momentous trailer) and it only heightened our anticipation of the next great Spiderman movie. BOOM! The movie was a total bomb. The first twenty maybe thirty minutes were good, and then Peter Parker becomes all angsty and emo and ruins it all. I was looking forward to the progression of Mary Jane and Peter Parker’s relationship, and of course that didn’t develop. The third installment has way too much going on. Spiderman is battling the Sandman, the New Goblin, himself, Venom, and losing the girl. All these different plot lines make it hard to be interested in anyone of them. (Trailer 85% good, Movie 75% bad)

6. Godzilla (1998) Godzilla to an eleven year old kid seems like maybe the coolest movie of all time. The trailer is action packed and a little mysterious, the viewer isn't sure what's going on until the movie title at the end. The movie looked like one big thrill ride coupled with awesome special effects… But then I saw it. Godzilla was the first movie I really remember being actually disappointed in, and it’s pretty hard to disappoint an 11 year old with blood and guts and giant man-eating iguanas or whatever it's suppose to be. The movie turned out to be boring with an annoying leading lady, Maria Pitillo. The lack of Asian screams and frantic running also didn’t help. (Trailer 80% good Movie 80% bad)

5. Stepford Wives (2004). If you hadn’t seen the original Stepford Wives the teaser trailer didn’t give anything away. It’s cool, sleek, mysterious, and Nicole Kidman looks totally cute…of course in a cookie-cutter, shallow sort of way. The movie, on the other hand, is not cool or sleek and the “mystery” could’ve been exposed by Helen Keller within the first twenty minutes. Nicole Kidman, of course, still looks pretty cute. With such a great cast including: Mathew Broderick, Christopher Walken, Bette Midler, and Glen Close; it’s hard to imagine that this movie was such a bomb. Yet, none of the characters were interesting enough to care for. (Trailer 90% good, Movie 75% bad)

4. Where the Wild Things Are (2009) One of the best trailers in recent memory. Arcade Fire’s “Wake Up” is the perfect song for this fun, adventurous, and exciting trailer. We also get a glimpse at the beautiful production design and cinematography. There is no denying the arty, imaginative perspective Spike Jonze projected on to this film. The movie looks great, and the book it’s based off of is a classic; but Jonze’s adaptation is entirely too dark to be a children’s movie. The movie is not only dark it’s very slow! I could barely sit through it (maybe I have a little ADD) as a 22 year old, and you have to imagine a little kid, who supposedly this PG movie is made for, would have some serious problems understanding and enjoying this movie. I left the theater feeling depressed and disappointed. I expected a fun, adventurous, exciting adventure in an imaginative world. Instead what I got was a dark, depressing journey into an all too realistic world of unfulfilled hopes and desires. (Trailer 100% good Movie 70% bad)

3. The Village (2004) The Village trailer was legitimately scary and at the same time extremely intriguing. It isn’t often that I look forward to seeing a “horror” film, but the village trailer made the movie seem so interesting. The viewers do not get a clear look at the “monsters” and M. Night at that time had a good reputation for some realistic and scary creatures (Aliens, Dead People, etc.). Of course the movie had a twist, but unlike the Sixth Sense or Unbreakable the twist was completely absurd. The village takes place in modern times run by people afraid of the real world, and the “beasts/monsters” are the elders’ way of keeping the villagers from wondering to the outside world. Had the threats (the beasts) been real and had there been no outside world the suspense of this movie would have been worthwhile and interesting for years to come. (Trailer 100% good, Movie 75% bad)

2. Stealth (2005). Stealth has a totally bitchen, high octane, thrill ride for a trailer. Now nobody was expecting this movie to be the greatest ever; the whole “Machines Taking Over” kind of thing is getting a little drawn out. But people were expecting an entertaining, exciting, and often funny summer blockbuster. However, what the audience got was a predictable, annoyingly loud, and fairly boring mega-million dollar movie. There wasn’t much anticipation or climax in this movie, the most interesting part of the movie experience was fighting for arm-rest position in the theater seats. One review was spot on in commenting that: “The movie ends up resembling its robot plane: fast, sleek, soulless and monotone. “ Just another Jerry Bruckheimer bust! (Trailer 85% good Movie 95% bad)

1. Speed Racer (2008) Speed Racer looks awesome, sounds awesome, and has an awesome cast. Who wouldn’t believe it to be a great summer blockbuster? Bang, the Wachowski brothers end up providing another major case of blue balls. The first Matrix movie is starting to look like a beautiful mistake. Speed Racer was all special effects and sound without a developed story line. Many movies without a well developed story line still are interesting or entertaining, but Speed Racer is 135 minutes long! Ninety minutes might be manageable from a movie like this, but for the most part it was just dizzyingly nauseous! (Trailer 100% good Movie 85% bad)