11. The Shy Uncomfortable Quiet Person
Every group has one. This person is too afraid to cheer on their favorite team so they kind of just stand or sit there quietly not sure how to react. They aren’t necessarily having a bad time; they’re just too embarrassed and shy to act like a fan. The smart ones, who don’t want to be put on the spot, often develop techniques to hide their awkwardness. My favorite: “The Mout” or “Mute Shout”. The Mout is often seen when "Uncomfortable Quiet Person" notices the teleprompter signs to “Get Louder” or “Make Some Noise”. To fit in they will often open their mouth and pretend to be screaming hoping it’s too loud for anyone to notice that nothing is actually coming out, hints the Mout. Quiet, shy people should probably stay at home to watch the game or pay the extra for a box seat.
10. The BruiserAhh yes, who is the lucky person who gets to stand next to the Bruiser? “The Bruiser” is quite literally the overly-excited fan that enjoys beating on his/her comrades. I say “his/her” but let’s be honest it is almost always a “his”. After a touchdown or even a first down the "Bruiser" punches you in the arm or smacks your back or butt. This is not a light punch or smack, oh no it’s pretty close to full force. Another key move is “The Shake”. The Bruiser forcefully grabs you by the shoulders and literally shakes you until he’s satisfied with the percentage powdered vertebrae to those only partially fractured (Typically a 95-100% satisfaction rate!) Keep small children away from this fan.
9. The Debbie DownerLet’s face it, we all know at least one and probably quite a few “Debbie Downers” especially if your team hasn’t been good for a while. They are easily recognizable as the person who “just doesn’t care anymore!” When in fact they care very much and are the first back on the bandwagon (because they never really got off). This person likes to throw around sentences like: “Oh! Here we go again.” and “Welp I coulda seen that coming!” Whatever the team did to this person the damage has been done, and it is now nearly impossible to please him/her. Say their team has a big win, they’ll respond with “I guess the other team took an off day” or “I don’t want to get too excited so that they (his/her team) can just tear me down next week”. There may not be a solution to the “Debbie Downer”. They just need to be avoided and ignored so their whining cannot contaminate anyone else’s enjoyment.
8. The Other
There is very little more annoying than being situated next to someone rooting for the other team. They have a right to be at the game and they’re probably sitting with a friend or a family member from the good guys, but they should never be cheering. Often times they try to be the loudest one there in an attempt to say “hey we have better fans than you.” Whatever you do, do not egg this person on by yelling at them to “sit down” or “go over to your own section”. Obviously if they are loud and annoying they want the attention. The best thing to do is when your team scores or has some huge play get loud, overly excited, jumping up and down, and if on “accident” you happen to spill “The Others” beer or soda all over him/her in your jubilatory dance apologize BUT Do Not buy a new one!
7. The Bitter Ex-Player
He played second string wide receiver on the JV squad his sophomore year of high school, but if he were out there he would’ve made that catch. The “truth” is coach never really gave him a chance. Sure he was only 5’2” and a little more than 180 pounds with a 5.8 40 time, but he understood football. Athleticism will only get you so far (the Pros) but if you really understand the game nothing can stop you…except maybe that guy who would’ve been guarding you who is a foot taller with 4.3 speed. Ex-player: “I could’ve completed that pass.” Yeah maybe with a NERF Vortex football (not saying those are lame because they’re totally awesome) or when you were playing 8 vs. 8 2A football in high school against the freshman team. The best thing you can do for one of these “Bitter Ex-Players” is encourage them to try out for the team as a walk on.
6. The Insider
“The Insider” knows all! He is most easily recognized as the guy predicting the next play as if he were in fact the coach or an offensive coordinator. In respect to him, he does know a lot about his team and football lingo, but he’s also probably an arrogant ass. He likes to talk to people he doesn’t know and who are trying to avoid eye contact with his constant staring. Once recognition is initiated he states things like: “they’ll blitz the corners on this play and drop back a linebacker.” Unfortunately he is sometimes right, which just encourages him to predict every one of the next plays. However, the worst situation is if his prediction is wrong and the other team has a big play he now has the right to gloat about “if they would’ve listened to me” or “I should be running this team.” On the other hand, when he predicts a play and they do something totally different and it works out perfectly; you have the right no no the obligation to give him shit. “Hey buddy maybe if you were running this team we’d be looking at another 3rd and long.”
5. The ProfessorNow this guy is not actually a professor, he just believes himself to be an expert on all things football. He’s the one in the stands probably by himself wearing the radio Walkman circa 1995. For awhile he may not seem too special until you or someone near you questions a call or even comments about a certain play. For instance: You- “Oh I’ve never heard of that call before.” The Professor (leaning in a bit too close with strong nacho breath)- “ Well ever since Ken Stabler and the “Holy Roller” (he will make quotations in the air) of the Oakland Raiders on September 10, 1978 beat the Chargers blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda.” A little while later: You- “Man that was an amazing play I can’t believe he got that off (of course not directed toward The Professor).” The Professor-“John Elway of the late 80’s was a far better scrambler, in fact…” Bottom line is I don’t really care for a history listen or bits of hotdog spit in my face Thank You Very Much.
4. The New Couple
What’s the best thing about a football game? If you answered standing next to your buddy and his new girlfriend smooching it up, you’re probably a creep. I can handle hand holding and the occasional celebratory hug or peck on the check, but anything more gets a tad uncomfortable. The “New Couple” aren’t bad people just confused (due to excess hormone production) of their surroundings. So here is a short list of do’s and don’ts. First of all, the only kind of tongue action that should be Okayed at a game is when licking the mustard off the edge of your own lips. Second, the sensual rubbing of each other’s backs especially when the hand slips under the shirt is a definite no no. Remember there is probably someone standing/sitting right behind you potentially capable of reading out the words being “written” by your finger tips on her back. Third, a football game is no place for terms of endearment like “snookums”, “sweet-pea”, or “honey-buns”. Plus I’m pretty sure “honey-buns” is not endearing and certainly not something to be shared amongst a crowded stadium, that actually might be something worth checking out at the doctor’s office.
3. The Dumb Drunk Kid Yelling at Referees/Own Team’s PlayersThey are probably right behind you and have something to say about every call (detrimental or beneficial) and every play. Let me paint you a picture: It’s 3rd and 10, our quarterback is scrambling out of the pocket, and nobody’s open down field, he takes off running and picks up the ten yards. A great play on most accounts. However, the quarterback (Our Quarterback!) ducks out of bounds or slides before he gets hit causing these guys behind you to yell “pussy” and “be a man” (once again to our quarterback)because it is more important to risk injury after the fact of making a great play than save yourself for the rest of the season. Another quick example: The opposing team’s kicker makes a field goal, it’s signaled good, and the kids behind you yell “bullshit” BEAUTIFUL! Obviously we in the stands on the 30 yard line have a better angle than the refs directly beneath each upright.
2. The Wave StarterArguably the worst individual in the stadium! The “Wave Starter” believes himself to be the most devoted and enthusiastic fan. He believes a successful wave indicates his power and the want for everyone else to be as awesome as him. He uses the words awesome and stoked on a daily basis. He believes everyone not doing the wave is a bad fan. He has now missed the last five minutes of the game trying to get the wave going. He is also the same guy who tries to rush the field after a mediocre win over a .500 team. He is sometimes a she but on very few occasions. He is probably not wearing a shirt accompanied with neon colored shorts and high socks. He doesn’t tie his shoes. He brushes up against your girlfriend. He is Doucher McDoucherson. He is “The Wave Starter”.
1. The Sick KidOf course you are seated next to the kid who pre-gamed a little too hard and now is having trouble holding down his twelfth beer that hour. Or maybe it’s the kid who accidently swallowed his mouth full of chew. “The Sick Kid” is first referred to as “The Farter” before the alcohol really starts to kick in and the farts gain a little more substance. If you’re lucky and next to him, you get to endure the occasional gagging or maybe even a little vomit production. Best case scenario he has to get up and go to the bathroom every five minutes. I used the pronoun “he” because in my experience I have never encountered the “Sick Kid” girl. She usually has the decency, common sense, or just doesn’t have the will power to make it into the stadium. So it’s that “Guy” dry heaving bent over asshole unable to open his eyes that I’m talking about as the #1 Worst Person at a football game.