Wednesday, October 26, 2011

What Kind of Cool are You?

The coolest test around. Answer the questions below, add up your points, and find out what species of cool you are. This test has been administered to all up and coming athletes and entertainers to determine where they will fit best (team, city, sport) or what genre they should focus their works (the individual interests' of a musician or entertainer hasn't been taken into account since the successful creation of boy bands).

1. What super power would you most want to posses?

0 points - Supersonic speed... Avoid traffic, maybe save some lives if it's not out of the way.
1 point - Talk to animals... Get a better understanding of Life, The Universe, and Everything.
2 points - Ability to fly... The ultimate form of Freedom.
3 points - Invisibility... Instant millionaire- think about it, you could sneak into any meeting.
4 points - Telekinesis (mind bullets)... Who wouldn't want to move stuff with their mind?
5 points - Super strength... Wreck shit up.

2. What kind of predatory animal would you most like to be?

0 - Jaguar... Lounge around in the rainforest most of the day, maybe do some hunting at dusk.
1 - Blue-ringed Octopus... small, agile, incredibly poisonous.
2 - Great White Shark... unquestionably the most terrifying and powerful predator. You ever seen Jaws?
3 - Grey Wolf... Hunting in packs is the most rational form of predation.
4 - Bald Eagle... They hunt fish, land animals, other birds- There's nowhere to hide/ Champions of the Sun.
5 - Honey Badger... Ain't afraid of anything.

3. If you could choose any type of beer to drink for the evening without the consequence of cost or calories which would you choose?

0 - Wheat Beer (Odell Easy Street, Blue Moon, Shock Top, 312 Urban Wheat, Pyramid Hefe Weizen)
1 - Amber, Red, or Brown Ale (Alaskan Amber, Avery Ellie's Brown, Summit Horizon Red)
2 - Porter (Maui Brewing Co. Coconut Porter, Deschutes Black Butte Porter, Shipyard Imperial Porter)
3 - India Pale Ale or Pale Ale (Stone IPA, Titan IPA, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Doggie Style Classic Pale Ale)
4 - Stout (Rogue Chocolate Stout, Lefthand Milk Stout, Guinness, Murphy's Irish Stout)
5 - American Lager (Budweiser, PBR, Coors, Miller Genuine Draft)

4. Of the choices below what is the best Late Night Talk Show?

0 - Late Show with David Letterman... Consistently good.
1 - Jimmy Kimmel Live... The greatest skits in Late Night. Guillermo!
2 - Conan... Dance moves/ I might do something crazy.
3 - The Colbert Report... Bears and politics!
4 - The Tonight Show with Jay Leno... Americas favorite chin.
5 - Last Call with Carson Daly... He understands the youth.

5. What is your favorite kind of Ben & Jerry's ice cream?

0 - Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough... Why mess with a classic?
1 - Cherry Garcia... You could eat this after any meal or before... or it could be the meal.
2 - Chubby Hubby... Ya gotchya Sweet and ya gotchya Salty. It's Delicious!
3 - Dulce Delish... "Harmony is pure love, for love is complete agreement"- Lope de Vega
4 - Phish Food... The more the merrier.
5 - Dublin Mudslide... Mostly because it reminds me of one of my favorite alcoholic beverages!

6. What was your favorite Nickelodeon cartoon show that is no longer airing?

0 - Doug... Because once upon a time Patty Mayonnaise was a babe, and let us not forget the pure rock power of "The Beets".
1 - Hey Arnold... Made you want to be raised by your crazy grandparents in an apartment complex in NYC with a pet pig and become best friends with the coolest flat-topped fourth grader around. Plus, that Mr. Hyunh Christmas episode brought a tear to your eye.
2 - Aaahh!!! Real Monsters... Sweet, intelligent monsters who made a living scaring children...Before Monsters Inc. came around.
3 - Rugrats... Angelica was terrifying but Tommy and the gang always figured out how to out smart her un-angelic conduct.
4 - Rocket Power... Shoobies, Later...MUCH, mondo.
5 - All That - Because I never watched Cartoons.

7. If you could vacation anywhere for free for 10 days which location would you choose?

0 - Hawaiian resort... Sit back relax and maybe learn how to surf, maybe.
1 - Backpack around East and Southeast Asia... A lot of street food and a lot of culture.
2 - African Safari... Really cool animals really close.
3 - Backpack through Europe... History, culture, and food.
4 - Mexican Resort... Beaches, tequila, and food.
5 - Vegas... The adult playground, Nuff said!

8. Which one of these directors is your favorite?

0 - Rob Reiner (This Is Spinal Tap, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, A Few Good Men, The Bucket List)
1 - Steven Spielberg (Raiders of the Lost Arc, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Munich)
2 - Coen Brothers (Raising Arizona, Fargo, The Big Lebowski, No Country for Old Men, True Grit)
3 - Paul Thomas Anderson (Hard Eight, Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch-Drunk Love, There Will Be Blood)
4 - Quentin Tarantino (Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill Vol 1&2, Sin City, Inglorious Bastards)
5 - Michael Bay (Bad Boys, The Rock, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Transformers)

9. What characteristic do you find most appealing in the opposite sex?

0 - They're Interested in Me... The opposite of shallow.
1 - Personality/Sense of Humor... "A Sense of needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person deep down has a pretty good grasp on life." - Hugh Sidey
2 - Outgoing Adventurous... " Nothing ventured, nothing gained. And venture belongs to the adventurous."- Navjot Singh Sidhu
3 - Breeding Potential... Natural selection has already brought us this far, why ignore it?
4 - Someone Who Won't Slow Me Down... "The weak are more likely to make the strong weak than the strong are likely to make the weak strong." - Marlene Dietrich
5 - Sex Appeal... Nobody ever brags about the ugly person they're banging.

10. What are you more likely to be for Halloween?

0 - An Athlete... Doesn't even have to be a professional athlete, just equipment found lying around the house.
1 - Inflatable or Puffy Jack-O-Lantern or Cute Animal of Some Sort... Adorable, not particularly sexy but worn well.
2 - A Beloved (Most likely Comedic) Character from Movies or Television... Not a cartoon character but something from an 80's action movie or SNL.
3 - Current Event... Maybe the President recently choked on a pretzel. Boom costume! Or maybe a movie star just got a DUI. Boom another costume!
4 - Stud or Slut... Gotta remind the people why I'm number one.
5 - Giant Condom or Sex Toy... Because it's hilarious and when people look at me they'll have one thing on their mind!

11. If you were to get a tattoo which of these options would most likely be your choice?

0 - Cross or Some Significant Symbol Over my Heart... Not everyone needs to see it, but it's significant to me.
1 - A Significant Symbol (animal/name) Tattooed on my Ribs or Shoulder Blade... If I'm getting a tattoo it is going to be unique and painful so I'll never forget it.
2 - Scripture or Inspirational Quote in Any Language Anywhere Visible on my Body... The calligraphy is aesthetic and it's a good ice breaker.
3 - My Alma Mater (symbol/logo) Somewhere I Can Easily Show Off and Hide... I'm proud of my School and my accomplishments.
4 - My Last Name Sketched Across my Back... Representing my heritage.
5 - Barbed Wire Around my Bicep... Cuz I'm a tough motha.

12. What is your ideal first date?

0 - Coffee or a Beer Somewhere you Can Talk... Maybe there will be a struggling musician to listen to, and if things don't go well it'll be easy to call it a night.
1 - Dinner and a Movie... Nothing fancy but gives you a good idea about your date.
2 - Ethnic Food and an Interactive Activity... Maybe Salsa Lessons or a Cooking Class.
3 - Art Exhibition or a Theatrical Performance... Drink some wine, put on some nice clothes, impress your date with some class.
4 - Dinner and the Bars... Show my date the respectable side of me with a nice dinner and the fun side at the bars.
5 - Drinks and Night Clubs... I want a date who can party, have a good time, and keep up with me.

13. What is your favorite holiday of the choices below?

0 - Super Bowl Sunday... The holiday (sort of) where you sit in front of the TV and pig out.
1 - Thanksgiving... Parade, Football, Turkey, Pie, Naps (not necessarily in that order)
2 - Valentines Day... I care about people with flowers and chocolates.
3 - New Years Eve... The time to reflect on the past and pursue a more learned or healthy future. Plus it's a good excuse to dress up.
4 - 4th of July... BBQ, Beer, Fireworks, 'Merica.
5 - St. Patrick's Day... Lets get wicked drunk!

14. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

0 - Probably somewhere she would like to not be bothered, and we should stop looking for her.
1 - I wonder what would happen if Carmen Sandiego and Where's Waldo got together?... it would be the end of our searching because we'd never find them. My guess, Carmen is looking for Waldo on some crowded beach or supermarket.
2 - Someone like Carmen Sandiego wants to be seen, she wants us to find her. She's probably hanging out with a pygmy African tribe sharing her spoils.
3 - Carmen is a common name of Hispanic descent, as well Sandiego is Spanish. Criminals on the lam often find comfort and help in areas most similar to their background. So, Carmen is likely in a Spanish speaking country somewhere in Central or South America.
4 - She was always a wild girl so probably somewhere epic like the Spanish club scene.
5 - I know exactly where she is... back at my place. What!

15. Who is your favorite supervillain of the choices below?

0 - Norman Osborn/Green Goblin (Spiderman)... Norman Osborn is fighting his insanity, the Green Goblin. "Both" of them want Spidey dead. Even when the Green Goblin dies Norman influences others against Spiderman. That's power.
1 - Magneto (X-Men)... His power is cool but not necessarily amazing compared to others, but he's not crazy. He believes in something, which makes him a real and passionate foe.
2 - The Joker (Batman)... He is a psychopath which literally means he lacks sympathy or remorse. There is nothing more terrifying than someone who can't sympathize.
3 - Lex Luthor (Superman)... He's just a human without any super powers who outsmarts and often gets the better of arguably the most powerful superhero.
4 - Cat Woman (Batman)... Is she a hero? Is she a villain? She is hot, she has nine lives, she'll scratch the shit out of you, and she'll play on any side to gain the advantage.
5 - Loki (Thor)... The Guy Is A God!!! Of Mischief!!! Can't get any more powerful than that.

0-12 Points "The Loyal Companion"
You are modest to a fault. Everybody likes you, but you have trouble believing so. You have many friends because there's nothing threatening about you. You are talented but you're likely to be walked on and never taken seriously. However, many of your friends will stand up in your defense, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing is debatable. The Loyal Companion is important to the community because it fulfills the niche of making everyone around him/her look good. For example, a normal, not particularly interesting kid with a puppy instantly becomes George Clooney. You are the puppy not Clooney. The good news is, there is always room for you to change and gain some confidence to become more sure-footed.
Teams that suit you: Kansas City Royals, Pittsburgh Pirates, LA Clippers, Cleveland Browns, Everton.
Genres: Pop, College radio, Acoustic coffee shop singer-songwriter.
Notable Artists: Jason Mraz (minus "Song for a Friend"), Plain White T's, O.A.R., Landon Pigg, Jack Johnson.
Notable Athletes: Chad Pennington, Chad Henne, really any Dolphins quarterback since Marino, Gerald Wallace, Jeff Francoeur, Dustin Brown.

13-24 Points "The Sure-Footed"
You are confident but not arrogant. You are comfortable with who you are and you put forth the effort to make everyone around you comfortable. Every community is looking for someone to fill this niche, but the Sure-Footed is probably the rarest of all cool species. Your hard work and talent is intimidating to others, so you might encounter some unwanted conflicts but this soon passes as you will likely make the instigator a companion. You are outgoing and knowledgeable with a good sense of humor. Furthermore, you make others around you look good. It is tough to consistently stay Sure-Footed because you must always be uniquely nimble and agile. Old people aren't agile.
Teams that suit you: Tampa Bay Rays, Minnesota Wild, Tottenham Hotspur, Oklahoma City Thunder, Tennessee Titans.
Genre: Creative Unique Indie Rock and Indie Rap
Notable Artists: Arcade Fire, Angus & Julia Stone, Tegan and Sara, The National, Childish Gambino, Chiddy Bang, Theophilus London.
Notable Athletes: Chris Paul, Kevin Durant, Lionel Messi, Ndamukong Suh, Aaron Rodgers, Patrick Kane, Sidney Crosby, Troy Tulowitzki, Tim Lincecum.

25-37 Points "The Industrious"
Most people like you because you try hard to be likeable. You're outgoing and adventurous. You have worked hard to get where you are. Yet, you are insecure and try to hide it with confidence or sometimes arrogance. You are quite popular and talented, but what worries you most is that you might lose your status. So what you do is paint a picture of yourself for others to perceive you in your best light. By doing this you often cover up the traits that make you most relatable. You have a few really close friends (probably because they really know you) and a lot of social friends. There is always a niche for someone who is willing to work hard.
Teams that suit you: Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Braves, Liverpool, San Jose Sharks, Orlando Magic.
Genre: Start off in Rock, Rap, or Hip Hop and constantly alter their sound or collaborate to stay relevant.
Notable Artists: Alicia Keys, G. Love and Special Sauce, John Mayer, Snoop Dogg, Carlos Santana, Weezer.
Notable Athletes: Lebron James, Carmelo Anthony, Brad Richards, Wayne Rooney, Derek Jeter, Steve Smith.

38-50 Points "The Omniscient"
You think you know everything, and you are probably quite intelligent. But what you don't know or see is how much you may be getting on people's nerves. You are quick to dismiss those who do not share similar views. Although you can be a bit arrogant, you are quick to respect those you deem worthy. Furthermore, given time, you are willing to accept the qualities and positive characteristics of others you originally found valueless. You constantly try to progress but you won't change just to change, and others respect you for that. You are important to the ecosystem because people need someone to look up to or complain about.
Teams that suit you: Aresenal, San Antonio Spurs, Montreal Canadians, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Jets, New England Patriots.
Genres: Rock, Hard Rock, Orchestra, Anything that expresses your musical talents.
Notable Artists: Radiohead, U2, Foo Fighters, Rage Against the Machine, Penguin Cafe Orchestra.
Notable Athletes: Tim Duncan, Tom Brady, Ashley Cole, Joey Votto, Martin Brodeur.

51-63 Points "The Butt Cavity"
It's true you are an asshole, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Every group of friends needs an asshole because you push the limits and are constantly competing. You make everyone around you work harder. In doing so, you make a lot of people around you look bad (which is not cool) but you also make people look good. Consequently, the asshole needs level headed, modest friends to balance out the ecosystem. Serious issues occur when multiple assholes occupy the same niche in a community because eventually "one-uping" and fights break out leading to the inevitable "tantrum of epic proportion". And Bro, tantrums are totally not cool. You also say "epic", which is also not cool.
Teams that suit you: Oakland Raiders, Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees, Detroit Red Wings, Miami Heat, Manchester United.
Genres: Anything, as long as it's mainstream and you have the skill and attitude.
Notable Artists: Kanye West, Celine Dion, Jason Aldean (Dirt Road Anthem), Green Day, Metallica.
Notable Athletes: Philip Rivers, A Rod, Jonathan Papelbon, Christiano Ronaldo, Kobe Bryant, Todd Bertuzzi.

64-75 Points "The Mimic"
You have absolutely no clue! You don't know what you like, who you are, or how to behave. There is no secure niche for you in any environment. The only thing you know how to do is imitate what you perceive to be "cool". This "skill" may trick a few individuals into being your friend, but this will never last. Furthermore, you are likely to dump people you don't see as fit to be your friend. You do not understand that everyone inherently is cool in some way or another by being who they are. You constantly try to change and adjust to the media propaganda of cool, but never really discovered what makes you happy and relatable to others. So stop copying everything you see on TV and become a real boy (like Pinocchio) or girl.
Teams that suit you: None
Genres: Dub Step
Notables: Brian Bosworth, Skream!, 2BiT, Sean Avery? maybe?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Top 11 Movie Insults "Disses" "Slams" "Zingers"

Dishing out the perfect insult is an art form. These top 11 movie insults are uniquely artistic and creatively cutting. To better understand and appreciate these zingers I've dissected them(raping away their uniqueness). Inspired by the youtube hit and a life filled with cruel sisters and less than friendly friends, I bring to you the Top 11 Movie Insults.

11. Uncle Buck to Assistant Principle Hogarth "Uncle Buck"
Typically, a good insult requires a lovable distributor and a deserving recipient. Uncle Buck is tremendously lovable and assistant principle Hogarth (Her name is HOGARTH) is definitely a worthy recipient. However, what really makes this insult great is the use of a prop. Props to the prop. The prop, a quarter, is not extravagant or flashy (I mean it's a little flashy as it's shiny and all); but the quarter being used as trade for a rat to gnaw "that thing" (the mole) off Miss (no way she's married) Hogarth's face is genius. The message Uncle Buck sends is clear. If you have a giant mole on your face, you're a dried-out-brain-dead-scag, and you try to damper a child's creativity; you're getting a tongue thrashing. Good day to you Ma'am!
Moley Russel's Wort

10. Daniel Plainview to Eli Sunday "There Will Be Blood"
When bitter, old, alcoholic Daniel Plainview has a beef with you, it's best to steer clear. Eli Sunday, who had previously publicly humiliated Daniel, made the fatal mistake of hitting old Plainview up for money. Shit's gonna get intense (like this classic scene from The Room with equally Oscar worthy acting). Now it was Daniel's turn to do some zinging and he didn't hold anything back on this self proclaimed prophet. Plainview's delight over the failures of Eli and his hatred toward the man are terrifying.
"I broke you and I beat you"- He broke the man and then he beat the man.
"Your just the afterbirth, slithered out of your mother's filth"- This refers to the success of Eli's twin brother Paul. Paul was the smart, successful one whereas Eli doesn't even deserve to be alive. Eli was the filthy accident nobody wanted.
Plainview drank Eli's milk shake... Oh yeah and then he beat him to death with a bowling pin.
I Drink It Up!

9. The Merry Men to King John (Behind his Back)"Robin Hood"
Now to insult a man (scrawny little lion) behind his back is a little weak but to put it in song is genius. Everybody loves an impromptu slam session through song, and Robin Hood and his Merry Men do a fine job dissing the crown while breaking it down (old school). And honestly what's a list of great movie insults without some Disney in it?
"And down with that Scurvy Prince John"- Scurvy is the result of a deficiency of vitamin C typically found in sailors who didn't eat their vegetables. Some nasty symptoms are leg rashes and bleeding gums.
"Incredible as he is inept, Whenever the history books are kept, They'll call him the Phoney King of England"- He can't do anything right, he's a fake, and everybody's going to know it. You're in trouble when you're in the history books for the wrong reasons.
"Breezy and uneasy...Blabbering jabbering..."-Sporkeling porkeling, juicen abusen... Rhyming is fun.

8. Gordie Lachance to Ace Merrill "Stand By Me"
Some serious street cred is owed to Gordie after this dis. Ace Merrill is the town bully (certainly headed to a stint in the pen) and close to twice Gordie's age. Gordie is the geeky forgotten little brother of the town hero, but Gordie puts Ace in his rightful place. Ace does start off with one mediocre dis "You Ain't got the sack to shoot a woodchuck" before Gordie drops the "big one"(pun intended you'll see). There's no doubt that bringing a gun to a knife party helps out in this little situation, but Gordie's unrelenting confidence and disregard for reprisal emphasize his lack of fucking around. The kid means business.
"Suck my fat one you cheap dime store hood."- The "Fat one " Gordie is referring to is his penis. Fat indicates that he believes the size of his "member" to be larger than others. Ordering Ace to suck "it" indicates Gordie's dominance. "Cheap dime store hood" refers to Ace being a petty criminal, a small time thief; which is a significant insult to a guy like Ace who thinks he's big time.
Biggest One In Four Counties

7. Wesley to Prince Humperdinck "The Princess Bride"
Rarely does a slam session done so perfectly happen at such a climactic moment. Wesley starts out strong by insulting Prince Humperdinck's intelligence and calling him a "warthog faced buffoon". A buffoon is basically a clown or a fool, but by adding warthog face (which in most cases other than the twilight zone is not an attractive look) he portrays his absolute disdain for the man. However, what makes this slam so effective are the insults following the sentences Wesley dishes after explaining the "fight to the pain" to Humperdinck. "Pig"(keeping in theme with earlier remarks) and "misearble vomitous mass" (much worse than an "estimable vomitous mass") are used almost casually, but they still emphasize Wesleys dominance over and lack of respect for Humperdinck Humperdinck Humperdinck!

6. French Guard to King Arthur "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
Absolute ridiculousness at it's finest. First of all, you have the French who've built a castle in England. Insulting. Second they are catapulting farm animals. Dangerous and Insulting. Third they are insulting King Arthur with less than bruise-inflicting blows. Not Particularly Intimidating or Smart but Insulting. The zingers don't have much punch, but they come from the heart. So what they lack in wit they make up for in will power. You can feel the scorn in every syllable and every catapulted cow.
"I fart in your general direction"- Nobody wants to be farted at.
"You're mother was a hamster and you father smelt of elderberries."- Elderberries are often made into jam and wine, they probably have a sweet smell. And we all know it's embarrassing if your Dad smells like anything other than sweat, cigars, and gasoline.
"Tiny brained wipers of other people's bottoms."- Having a tiny brain would suggest lower intelligence, and wiping other people's bottoms would be a pretty degrading task.
I Fart In Your General Direction.

5. Mad Maynard to the French and other European cultures"Eurotrip"
Proof that the English making fun of the French in France is just as ridiculously insulting as the French making fun of the English in England. Got it? Hooligans (named Mad Maynard) traveling the wrong way down a one way in a double decker, english flag branded bus. Already wonderfully insulting. And then Boom! The verbal assualt bombs are dropped. Yes, most of the zingers are a tad hard to understand but I think that hooligan-ness adds some spice to the slam.
"Snail Eating Puss"- Snails do not taste good, however, the french seem to like them.
"Gaelic Garlic bread tossers"- Making fun of the Scottish and Irish? Gaels typically refer to the Irish and Scottish highlanders. Garlic Bread Tossers - necessary if vampires be frontin'.
"Buggy I-ty shi-ties???"- Must be some Italians roaming around there too.
"Let's give this Nancy a fucking good kicking."- Let us kick (multiple times) this wimpy boy. Nancy the most versatile and effective of all insults.

4. Malibu Sheriff to the Dude"The Big Lebowski"
The Dude is not successful or interesting or particularly talented, but he is an enviable man. He's enviable because he takes joy in the simple things: White Russians, his bowling league, and the rug that tied the room together. He tries to do the right thing and he doesn't ask for more than he deserves. It's impossible to dislike the guy and yet he finds himself in the age-old situation of being drugged by a porn producer and arrested by the "Fascist" Malibu police. He doesn't deserve this verbal abuse but that doesn't diminish the mastery of the dis.
"I don't like your jerk off name"
"I don't like your jerk off face"
"I don't like your jerk off behavior"
"And I don't like you, jerk off"
- Jerk off basically means to masturbate but masturbate name, masturbate face, and masturbate behavior doesn't make much sense. However, jerk off is also commonly used as a more derogatory synonym to "worthless" or "good for nothing".
"Keep your ugly fucking gold-bricking ass out of my beach community"- Gold-bricking is similar to jerk off as it means to appear valuable but actually be worthless. Furthermore, the sheriff also calls the Dude ugly (not the first cut but maybe the deepest) which can lead to low self esteem which can lead to depression which can lead to over eating which typically leads to health problems and consequentially death.
He Throws A Mug At His Head

3. Peter Pan aka Peter Banning vs. Rufio "Hook"
Oh boy there's a lot to cover with this zing-a-thon. Rufio is a clear favorite going into the bout and he starts off strong, but we soon find out he can't take the heat. Peter starts off weak, (I mean like Abe Vigoda after a marathon weak) but then again he might have just been pulling an Ali (rope a dope) because he finished with some serious strength. At their best, Peter and Rufio unload some serious blows eerily similar to Ali vs. Foreman.
Rufio's Best Zinger:
"You are a Fart Factory, slug slimmed sack of rat guts in cat vomit. A cheesy scab picked pimple squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side."- A fart factory would suggest that you probably don't have many friends. "Slug slimmed sack" the alliteration dis is poetically hurtful. Then you have all those nasty words jumbled up in the middle of the slam that don't seem to really make any sense. And finally, being a maggot burger is bad but being a potentially stale (week old) maggot burger WITH flies is disgraceful.
Peter's Best Zinger:
"You two toned, zebra headed, slime coated, pimple farming, paramecium brain, munchin' on your own mucus, suffering from Peter Pan envy."- Farming pimple's doesn't sound very lucrative and it's certainly not aesthetically pleasing. To munch on one's own mucus seems almost necessary if you are slime coated, but you don't want to be slime coated in the first place. However the two insults that hit hardest are Paramecium brain and Peter Pan Envy. Peter goes the extra mile by explaining why Rufio is a paramecium brain. And lastly, calling Rufio out on his Peter Pan envy hits even harder because nothing hurts more than the truth.
Bangarang Peter

2. Ham Porter to Phillips "The Sandlot"
There are a couple really strong disses leading up to the climax, but the final blow secures this confrontation as one of the greats. One might even call it the "Sultan of Slams".
"You play ball like a girl"- Six little words creating a world of hurt. One must be reminded that this movie takes place in the early 60's and is centered around a young, male, teenage baseball team. Now in a purely classical sense (which an early 60's young man might view the world), girls are thought of to be less skilled athletes especially in a male dominated sport like baseball. Baseball was the national pastime so for someone to tell you that you play ball like a girl is the ultimate insult. It would be like today if Bernie Maddof told Nevin Shapiro he stole money like a blue collar criminal. It's hard to bounce back from a slam like that.
Hamilton"Ham" Porter became a legend after this slam, and heroes get remembered but legends never die.
The Great Hambino

1. Alfalfa via Buckwheat to Darla "The Little Rascals"
This zinger is out of context and that's probably why it was so effective. The delivery is perfect and the reaction classic, but the poetry and word play are what really hit hard.
"Dear Darla"- A fine start.
"I hate your stinkin' guts"-Guts typically refer to the small intestine and the small intestine (although often smelly as it is part of the gastrointestinal track) is a very important part of digestion and the absorption of nutrients. And so to hate one's guts is like telling them that you hate that they are absorbing nutrients and therefore would like them to be very weak or dead.
"You make me vomit"- Common things that induce vomiting: smell of poop, smell of rotting organic materials, other people vomiting, dehydration, and poison. None of these things are good (unless the poison is alcohol making it sometimes good).
"You're scum between my toes"- We can assume he is talking about athletes foot aka ringworm of the foot. The fungus can cause inflammation, blisters, swelling, pain, scaling, flaking, and itchiness. In other words it's totally not cool.
"Love Alfalfa"- Condescension at its best.
Ooooh Tay

Honorable Mention:
Scooby to Shaggy back to Scooby "Scooby-Doo (The Movie)"
Scooby: "Rell your rother eats rat roop."
Shaggy: "No Scooby-Doo, YOUR mom eats cat poop!"- Momma jokes.
Truth be told, I couldn't find a good video clip of this zinger therefore it did not make the top 11.

Kip to Deb "Napoleon Dynamite"
"Your mom goes to college."- She's gonna need some aloe vera for that burn.

Jimmy Dugan to Evelyn and to the Ump "A League of Their Own"
To Evelyn: "Now you start using your head, that's the lump three feet above your ass."
Personal Insult Experience: "Talking Pile of Pig shit"- I think I'd like to see that.
To the Ump: "Anybody tell you, you look like a penis with a little hat on?" Penis Head...Classic.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Top 11 Most Marriageable Female Characters

A list of the most attractive female characters in movies or television shows. A list only a single man could make.
Looks certainly have a little bit to do with making this list, but personality (you're welcome Mom) and all around awesomeness make up the majority.

11. Emily Blunt as Elise Sellas in "The Adjustment Bureau"
She's destined to be with someone else, but fuck destiny. Seriously, destiny is kind of like a one-way street, there's always gonna be that person that misses the signs. You can't always play by the rules. And who wouldn't change their fate for a gorgeous, athletic, sarcastic woman who walked into the men's room and started making out with them? Did I mention she's British. That means a cute english accent...and in most other cases bad teeth and bland food but not with Elise. Elise is focused and driven, but she's willing to give everything up for love. And that's someone anyone would be lucky to find.

10. Zooey DeShanel as Jovie in "Elf"
Sweet lord! That voice and those eyes no one could resist. Zooey DeShanel is the cutest actress around and her characters follow suit. Jovie is introduced as a sort of annoyed, unhappy shopping mall elf. She, like everyone else, is a little creeped out by Buddy the Elf (Will Ferrell); but is one of the first to discover his genuine goodness and innocence. Also, let us not forget she helped save Christmas. That definitely puts her on the nice list.
Baby It's Cold Outside

9. Emma Stone as Wichita in "Zombieland"
Maybe not a character people would think about right off the bat, but Wichita is kind of a badass. Before the Zombie apocalypse Wichita was a con artist using her good looks and innocent little sister to scam money off of love struck losers. Her con skills transformed to survival skills creating a self-sufficient and maybe a little harsh persona. She's funny in a sarcastic and mean way, but as the movie progresses she opens up and begins to believe things could be good again. Definitely somebody you want on your side if the dead reanimate. Plus, she's easy on the eyes especially considering most of the population is pasty gray and deteriorating.

8. Elisha Cuthbert as Danielle in "The Girl Next Door"
Yes she is a porn star, but she's probably the sweetest, coolest, most down-to-earth porn star around. She could totally go to bingo night with Grandma and have a good time. Danielle is trying to get away from the porn industry and that environment, and in the process she is helping her new neighbor break out of his shell. The great thing about her character is that she's not ashamed of who she was. However, she also knows she is so much more then solely a porn star and is eager to explore her possibilities. She's sincerely a good person who honestly falls in love with a genuinely normal, inexperienced (in life and other things) nerd; and she just happens to be "porn star" hot.
Bingo Night

7. Jennifer Aniston as Polly Prince in "Along Came Polly"
There's a lot of truth to the saying "opposites attract" aside from obvious in magnets, but it takes a lot of work. Polly Prince is a little spacey, not particularly motivated, and terrified of settling down. However, her best quality is her openness to someone totally different. It takes serious panache to attempt creating a relationship with someone basically your opposite. Polly changes throughout the movie, but we (the audience) also see how she influences her counterpart Reuben Feffer (Ben Stiller). They're good qualities influence each other and in turn creates a powerful romance. It also doesn't hurt that she's uber sexy. Uber Sexy!

6.Michelle Monaghan as Christina Warren in "Source Code"
She's beautiful, she's kind, and she's painfully honest. "Source Code" is primarily not a love story. It is more of a sci-fi/psychological thriller, and yet the character Christina Warren pulls on all the major heartstrings. She wins us over 8 minutes at a time, but frankly that smile could win anyone over instantaneously. The chemistry in this movie is so so strong especially given the limited time these characters have with each other. If I were to only live the same 8 minutes over and over, I think I would be okay with it if Christina Warren was always there sitting across from me.
Painfully Honest

5. Marion Cotillard as Adriana in "Midnight in Paris"
In the simplest terms, Adriana is sexy. She's a 1920's mistress in the best way possible. She becomes the inspiration to one of Pablo Picasso's most famous paintings and she had a huge influence on Ernest Hemmingway. Yet, the sexiest thing about her is falling for the ordinary kind of defeated Gil (Owen Wilson). Adriana is something of a muse, but she's also authentic and refreshingly approachable. She is the type of girl that has seen a lot and been a lot of places, and because of this Adriana is open to new adventures. If you could hold on to her, Adriana would never provide a dull moment.
Nice Face

4. Anna Friel as Charlotte "Chuck" Charles in "Pushing Daisies"
Is it wrong to be in love with a dead chick? I guess if she's brought back to life then it's okay. Chuck is the most wonderfully attractive zombie in entertainment history. Of course she's not like a zombie in how they're mindless, decrepit drones; but in how they died and came back to life. Ned "the pie maker" has the ability to bring dead things back to life, but if he touches them again they'll die forever. This little "catch" to Ned's power poses some issues for the two in love, but it speaks even more to the character of the beautifully colorful Charlotte Charles for sticking with him. She helps solve crimes, she looks adorable.
No Touchy

3. Evangaline Lily as Kate Austen in "LOST"
Freckles, fugitive, flight 815 survivor, mother; Kate could claim any of those describers, but more than anything Kate Austen's a Badass. Basically she's a combination of two other "LOST" characters, Sawyer and Jack. At times she's more than a little emotionally unstable and reckless, but that instability is fueled by her passion (Sawyer). She can also be thoughtful and caring to the extreme and take all responsibility (Jack). But the bottom line is when the time comes for taking action, she doesn't hesitate. She's smokin' hot while protecting you from smoke monsters.

2. Rachel McAdams as Claire Cleary in "Wedding Crashers"
"Crab cakes and football, that's what Maryland does!" It also created one of the greatest settings for the most intoxicating chemistry. Claire is the kind of girl your mother would be proud of and your friends would approve of. She'll make fun of your friends in a comfortable "being part of the gang" sort of way. Then on the other end, completely polite and gracious around the "rents". Now, if being totally adorable, witty, and outgoing doesn't attract you then you're probably lobotomized and nurse Ratched is reading this post to you which of course you can't understand. Oh and one more thing, Claire's rich.
Belgian Waffle Maker

1. Mila Kunis as Rachel Jansen in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"
Mila Kunis is gorgeous no doubt about it, and she's known to date less than attractive guys (sorry Macaulay). But we aren't talking about Mila, we're talkin' about Rachel Jansen. She's adventurous, a little crazy, and has no problem throwing out some tongue-in-cheek observations. Most of all, she gets it. And if you don't know what "it" is than you don't get it. Kapeesh? Unfortunately, most of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" takes place in Hawaii and we have to endure the abundance of short shorts and tank tops. If you can stomach the skin , you won't have a problem falling in love with Rachel Jansen. As great as Rachel Jansen is, her falling for a kind of goofy, normal guy makes her the number one most desirable character.
Die. Die. Die. I Can't.

Honorable Mention:

Hermione Granger from Harry Potter- The only reason she didn't make the top 11 is because she's better in the books. I couldn't put her on the list because "book Hermione" is so great, and I didn't want to take away from that.

Uhura from "Star Trek"- She's a total babe and a badass, but she goes for Spock? Spock's pretty lame.

Jamie Palamino from "Just Friends"- Because when Jamie smiles it takes me miles.

Belle from "Beauty and the Beast"- She's smart, brave, and incredibly lovely. She also falls for the ugly dude, so yeah she's pretty much got it all.

Carrie from "Carrie"- Hot.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Part II: Top 11 Active/Current Singer Songwriters

Note: Paul Simon, Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, and Paul McCartney are legends and still active and current, but they are not on this list because I wouldn't have anything new or interesting to say about them. Plus, them being on the list isn't really fair to the other artists on this list.
Honorable Mention: Pete Yorn, Alison Krauss (You can't really separate her from the Union Station Band), Joshua Radin, Emmylou Harris, Ray LaMontagne, Sufjan Stevens, David Gray, Dolly Parton, Norah Jones, Missy Higgins.

11. Taylor Swift “Country Pop”
There is no denying Taylor swift is talented. She writes most of her own material, plays the guitar, and really does have a beautiful voice. Now most of her songs are pretty simple and are typically about love or heartbreak, but let’s face it, a lot of the best songs are about those two. To put in perspective how talented she is, Taylor is only twenty-one years old and she’s produced three multi-platinum albums. Her songs may be simple but they’re certainly meaningful and obviously relate-able across the country and world.
Favorite Lyrics: “You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I am lost in your eyes
You make me crazier, crazier, crazier” Crazier (Single)
(“Back to December” Video)

10. Andrew Bird “Indie Rock/Folk”
Andrew Bird is a very unique musician. He doesn’t necessarily have a beautiful voice, but it’s interesting and enticing. What Bird is certainly not lacking in is creativity and talent. He is an accomplished violinist, he plays guitar, and he is an expert whistler. Yep he’s probably the best whistling singer-songwriter out there. With Bird’s calm voice and violin, many of his songs start out beautiful and soothing and sort of lure one into a sense of security, but then he can quickly change to some heavy notes and belt out an anthem when necessary. His creativity is so abundant and palpable through his lyrics and musical compositions.
Favorite Lyrics: “When I was just a little boy
I threw away all of my action toys
I became obsessed with operation
Hearts and minds and certain glands
You got to learn to keep a steady hand
And thus began my morbid fascination” Dark Matter (Armchair Apocrypha)
(“Imitosis” Video)

9. ADELE “Pop/Soul”
Adele, similar to Taylor Swift, is a young singer-songwriter that has already gained much fame and success. Her first album “19” debuted at number one and went four times platinum in the UK. Her follow up album “21” debuted at number one on the Billboard Top 200 and the UK album chart along with the number one spot in 16 other European countries. Adele isn’t your typical female singer-songwriter. Yes she has a wonderful voice and great songwriting talent, but she’s not the pin-up doll like some others. And that speaks more to the power of her voice and pure, exclusive talent.
Favorite Lyrics: “I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides” Hometown Glory (19)
(“Chasing Pavements” Video)

8. Ingrid Michaelson “Indie Pop/Folk”
The lyrics of Ingrid Michaelson really make her stand out in the large genre of female singer-songwriters. She is a very artistic songwriter with a unique sort of “cutsie” voice (that goes along nicely with her cutsie face/body). Her voice is really good, but it wouldn’t be described as powerful. So, what really sets her apart are her lyrics. She does a great job at writing fun; interesting songs that express perfectly what people feel in certain situations. The ability to relate to her songs can be seen all over the media. Her songs have been used in shows like: Grey’s Anatomy, One Tree Hill, Kyle XY, Parenthood, and Ugly Betty.
Favorite Lyrics: “I'll never say I'll never love
But I don't say a lot of things
And you my love are gone” The Chain (Be OK)
(“The Way I Am” Video)

7. John Mayer “Blues Rock/Pop Rock”
John Mayer knows what the people like and delivers. He may not please everyone with his off-stage antics, but they can’t claim he’s not a talented musician and songwriter. Every major album John Mayer has produced (“Room for Squares”, “Heavier Things”, “Continuum”, and “Battle Studies”) has gone multi-platinum. Mayer’s won 7 Grammy Awards and has been nominated 18 times. Many of his songs contain meaningful, passionate lyrics and that accompanied with his sultry voice tend to attract moms and young girls, but his skill as a guitarist really makes him appealing to everyone.
Favorite Lyrics: “Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water
You never can hit who you're trying for
Some need the exhibition
And some have to know they tried
It's the chemical weapon
For the war that's raging on inside” Belief (Continuum)
(“Gravity” Live)

6.Josh Ritter “Folk/Alternative Country/Rock”
Josh Ritter is an amazing story teller. The songs he writes are actually fairly complex stories. Some of the stories he’s told through his music include ones about mummies coming back to life ”The Curse”, World War III and the apocalypse “The Temptation of Adam”, and the absurdity of politics and going to war “Girl in the War”. Furthermore, “The Curse and “The Temptation of Adam” are also love songs. His songs are layered with various meanings and metaphors of current events. In order for these stories to be heard, he has combined them with beautiful melodies and sung through an interestingly striking voice.
Favorite Lyrics: “Was it Casey Jones or Casey at the Bat?
Who died out of pride and got famous for that
Killed by a swerve laid low by the curve
Do you ever think they ever thought they got what they deserved?” To The Dogs or Whoever (The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter)

5. Iron and Wine “Folk”
Sam Beam better known as Iron and Wine is a creative genius. The first song that got him some serious recognition was actually a cover song. “Such Great Heights” originally from the indie-electronic band The Postal Service (a side project of Death Cab for Cutie’s lead singer Ben Gibbard) was slowed down and covered by Iron and Wine. The cover song was included in the film and soundtrack for Garden State, as well as, an M&M’s commercial. As good as most of Iron and Wine songs are, Sam Beam would have made this list if he had just completed one, “The Trapeze Swinger”. “The Trapeze Swinger” is a nine and a half minute song that is completely perfect. It’s heartbreaking and beautiful and smart and so so wonderful. But really everything he’s done is great and should be listened to.
Favorite Lyrics: “But please remember me, fondly
I heard from someone you’re still pretty
And then they went on to say that the Pearly Gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like ‘We’ll meet again’ and ‘Fuck the man’
And ‘Tell my mother not to worry’” Trapeze Swinger (Single)

4. Randy Newman “Jazz Rock/Piano Rock"
Randy Newman is probably one of the greatest active songwriters. He dishes them out like there’s nothing to it. Most of his songs come from the perspective of a character in the song, and they also tell stories. One of his biggest hits “Short People” is written from the perspective of a lunatic who is basically prejudice towards short people. Obviously the meaning behind the song is that it’s crazy to be prejudice towards anyone. He is so brilliant with his song writing it is easy to get lost in the lyrics, and he started out his career primarily as a writer for other singers. Most people know Randy Newman through his success with the Disney films: Toy Story, A Bug’s Life, Toy Story 2, Monsters, Inc., and Toy Story 3. And of course he ended up winning Academy Awards for Best Original Song from Monsters, Inc. and Toy Story 3. However, he was nominated for fifteen other film scores or original songs (The Natural, Pleasantville, and Meet the Parents to name a few) before he won his first with Monsters, Inc. ; making Newman at the time the most nominated without a win. Regardless, he is still probably the most gifted songwriters and composers today.
Favorite Lyrics: “Grab somebody, come on down.
Bring your paintbrush, paintin’ the town.
There’s some sweetness goin’ ’round,
Catch it down in New Orleans.” Down in New Orleans (Princess and the Frog Soundtrack)
("Political Science" Live)

3.Matt Pond “Indie Rock”
Matt Pond is the lead singer and primary songwriter for the band Matt Pond PA, and honestly the only consistent member of this “band” is Matt Pond, which is important if the band is named after you. Regardless of the varying support, Matt Pond PA Albums continue to impress. He writes such great lyrics and melodies that it’s easy to relate to the stories he tells through his songs. He writes about emotions or situations most everyone has experienced and that is why many of his songs strike emotional cords. Matt Pond continuously creates songs that never really expire. His sound, his voice, and his lyrics are fresh and will never sound dated no matter what’s popular. His songs conjure memories, and a great memory can never grow old.
Favorite Lyrics: "We stand on ledges, kick our feet and throw our shoes
I tried to move a little closer, nothing left for me to lose
There is no argument to get me going hoarse
Misplaced my mind and now I do not have to worry about before." Starting (The Dark Leaves)

2. Brett Dennen “Folk”
Brett Dennen has an amazing voice that perfectly complements his laid back yet often rebel rousing songs. His sound can be reminiscent of some musical greats in folk, acoustic, and reggae; and yet his sound is also astoundingly original. He pleads through his lyrics for change, revolution, and for people to just see the world as it really is. “I Asked When” is a perfect example of a song pleading for revolution and asking those to really take a good look at the current situation. Other songs are not as politically influenced but still tell powerful tales of love or heartache. His lyrics are meaningful and eloquent and because of his knack for powerful, evocative songs he has gained critical praise. Rolling Stone Magazine named him as an artist to watch and Entertainment Weekly categorized him as one of the eight “Guys on the Rise”. Brett Dennen is authentic.
Favorite Lyrics: “I wonder how so many can be in so much pain,
While others don't seem to feel a thing
Then I curse my whiteness,
And I get so damn depressed,
In a world with suffering,
Why should I be so blessed?” There is So Much More (So Much More)
(“Ain’t No Reason” Video)

1. Regina Spektor “Anti-folk/Indie Rock”
Regina Spektor has one of those gorgeous, unique voices that complement her creatively distinctive and quirky lyrics that in turn complement her matchless piano and guitar arrangements. It’s not necessarily one thing that makes her music so wonderful, it is the whole package. Every little aspect adds more color to her material including her good-looks, sweet personality, and her artistic swagger. Similar to Randy Newman, Spektor often writes her songs through the perspective of a character (they are not typically autobiographical). Regina may be one of the harder working artists out there today. She is constantly touring and releasing new albums. Furthermore, she has done more than a dozen live televised performances on late night talk shows and early morning shows. Currently, she is writing the music for the musical Beauty, a modern adaptation of Sleeping Beauty, which will be opening on Broadway. So really what can’t she do.
Favorite Lyrics: “So we made our own computer
Out of macaroni pieces
And it did our thinking
While we lived our lives
It counted up our feelings
And divided them up even
And it called our calculation
Perfect love

Didn't even know
That love was bigger” The Calculation (Far)