Saturday, December 11, 2010
11. Cool Nicknames- Seems to me that the best nicknames out there are reserved for those of the “plus” sized genre. There are various ways to go about declaring a nickname, although in most cases you won't have much of a say in the matter. Whether you get to choose the nickname or not I’m sure you’ll be pleased. There are two basic categories "ironic" and "apparent nicknames". the ironic nicknames include gems like: Bones, Slim-Jim (preferably for those named Jim), Tiny, and Featherweight (a weight class in boxing with a max limit at 126 lbs.). On the other end of the spectrum, you have the apparent nicknames like: Jabba (referring to Jabba the Hut of Star Wars fame), Deep Dish (a thick crusted, buttery, chunky, and delicious pizza), Fluffy, and B-52 (a big, slow and yet forceable U.S. Air Force Bomber). Having any of these nicknames would be a privilege.
10. Mascots – Many mascots don’t require (or at least shouldn’t require)“in-shape” individuals to don the gear. In fact, someone a little “fluffier” would fill out the suit and make it a bit more genuine. If the mascot isn’t designed to do flips or jump through fiery hoops, then those in the suit should represent the "well-rounded" outer appearance. Imagine the Phillie Phanatic, or Dinger of the Colorado Rockies, or Otto the Orange of Syracuse jiggling his belly only to find out that the person inside the suite doesn’t have a belly. That would be an outrage! High-flying acrobatic mascots definitely deserve their time on the court or field, but there is also a time for the goofy, roly-poly, and most importantly (for the children) huggable mascot.
9. The Acronyms- F, A, and T can stand for many things and when you’re fat you represent them all.
F.A.T. Fresh as Tits. Translation- One who is super cool. Ex: Damn that kid is FAT!
F.A.T. Finest All Time. Translation- One who has always been and will always be the best. Ex: She’s FAT and she knows it.
F.A.T.T.Y. Fighter Against Torturous Tyrannical Youths. Translation- One who takes action against or is in conflict with youths who oppress. Ex: Whoa, look at that FATTY go.
F.A.A.T.T. Friendly Almost All the Time. Translation- One who is friendly almost all the time. Ex: That person over there is FAATT!!!
8. The Window and the Aisle Seat- Ever sat next to that person on the plane who just won’t shut-up? Well the obese don’t have to…unless they are that person. Imagine not having to choose between the window and the aisle. You get the view of the window seat and you don’t have to step over anyone to go to the bathroom. If, God forbid, there happens to be a middle seat on your airplane you still only have to lean over one to get the view (which I'm positive they won't mind) or only step over one person to get to the aisle. However, there are some things to consider before boarding an airplane: have you gone to the bathroom? Airplane bathrooms may be too small. Did you eat before boarding? Airplane food is just not substantial enough. And what was the last thing you ate? You along with everyone else on the plane will have to deal with a potentially bad decision in your preflight food choice.
7. The Fashion – When overweight, clothing in general becomes much simpler. There are fewer choices in the plus sized categories (less shopping time), and lucky for you there is a copious amount of tie-dye T-shirts, Cosby sweaters, and football jerseys. Also, never again will you have to worry about matching your belt with your shoes because your "blue, elastic-band sweat pants" don’t have belt loops and your shoes are white (only color available) orthopedic slip-ons. Another plus for being plus sized, you won’t ever have to agonizingly tie your shoes again. Why? Because most shoe laces create excess strain and stress to an over-sized foot; therefore, Velcro or slip-on shoes are safer and of course much more fashionable. And let’s face it; sometimes tying your shoes just isn’t an option.
6. Summer All Year Round- Hate wearing pants and long sleeved shirts? Is your jacket zipper always getting jammed? Well when you’re rotund you don’t have to worry about these problems because you are your own jacket and pants. Similar to most mammals of the arctic regions, the overweight carry with them insulation (blubber or fat) everywhere they go. You are always warm. Instead of having four seasons like most people, you typically have a hot season (coinciding with the summer months) and a very warm season (all other months of the year). Some refer to the hot season as the rainy or wet season because there may be some excessive sweating, but nothing a towel can’t fix. Most people take vacations to expensive tropical locations during the winter to escape the cold…imagine the money saved when every day is like a tropical paradise.
5. Buoyancy - All those worried about a flood of biblical proportion, only need to eat those worries away. Literally all they need to do is start overdosing on those trans fats and carbs. The reason, fat is less dense than water. Therefore, fat people have an easier time staying afloat. Another benefit of buoyancy: your airplane (in which you had the aisle and window seat) crashes on a deserted island and now you think you’re stranded until you realize that you are your own life raft. Plus if we learned anything from LOST, you'll likely be stranded with a bunch of smokin' hot babes and eventually become the ruler/proctor of the island... if you decide not to float away. Just another benefit of being Fat and Lovable.
4. The Accolades – “Good for You” “Ata Boy” “You’re Doing It”, Skinny people love to compliment those trying to lose weight because they believe that the fat want to be skinny. Whether this is true or not, the compliments are nice. The accolades can come in many different forms: words of encouragement, pat on the butt, weeping hugs, and let us not forget (by far the most rewarding form of encouragement) the treats. If one of them "skinnies" think you are trying to shed off the pounds they might reward your hard work with a “special” treat… let’s just hope they’re talking about ice cream or maybe a bucket of fried chicken. It is easier to get away with (and not feel guilty about) gorging yourself if someone witnesses the effort you put into losing the weight. However, it is important if you do decide to lose the jelly to make sure everyone knows it. As long as they can “see” a change, the accolades can be abundant.
3. Sumo Wrestling - The more body mass the bigger the advantage. I’m not saying all fat people can sumo wrestle, but skinny people simple cannot. It’s the only legitimate sport that skinny people don't STAND a chance in. Some sumo wrestlers make more than $30,000 a month on salary in addition to their prize money. Become a professional sumo wrestler and never have to worry about your next meal, what to wear or what to do with your hair, or worry about driving a car. Because your meals are prepared for and you don’t have to spend any of your salary or winnings on it (which you can save for retirement or alcohol). You get to do-up your hair in a super cool and always trendy “top knot” like a samurai warrior. You never have to worry about what to wear because every day you wear a traditional Japanese dress which provides abundant breathing room for your sensitive parts. And lastly, you'll never have to be the designated driver because professional sumo wrestlers aren't allowed to drive. Sounds pretty cruisey to me.
2. Peeing in Private (only really relevant for males)– Uncomfortable with the close proximity of the urinals at your frequented watering hole? Or maybe you’re at a football game and they have one of the troughs in the bathrooms. Well if you’re fat you can wait to use the stall without losing your dignity. A skinny guy who waits in the stall line and only has to pee is slowing down traffic and the delicate balance of input and output in the bathroom ecosystem. And because there is the "No Talking in the Bathroom" code, people won't know what's holding up the line; and if there is a little splash on the toilet seat the skinnies better be skinny enough to run away. However, a fat guy who waits in the stall line is being courteous. If it is a trough situation he isn’t taking up any extra peeing space, and if it’s a urinal there is still the chance he might incidentally rub against the gents on his flanks. Most everybody would prefer to pee with a little privacy but the only good excuse if the bathroom is crowded to use a stall for #1, is to be fat.
1. Rascals (Motorized Scooters) - It is now socially acceptable to ride around on a motorized scooter. It may be slower than walking and in the event that you come upon a staircase, curb, or sidewalk crack you may be in trouble. However, every other person out there has to use their legs (like Neanderthals) as their primary source of transportation. The Rascal becomes part of the body (like a futuristic robot) including one awesome basket in the front to carry your belongings. The obese have trouble squeezing their plump hands into already tight pockets, but with a basket attached to your front “eff” pockets. Instead enjoy the luxury of an open air basket. Those worried about speeding too fast down slope, fear not; the Rascal has an extremely practical safety component that doesn’t allow speeds of more than 5 miles per hour. Additionally, the Rascal has a lifetime warranty of 3 years!! You’ll never have to walk a day in your life.