11 Arguments In Favor of Isolation and Loneliness

Recently, I had the unique privilege of living out in the wilderness - alone - in a little tent - for five weeks. Here I recount my tremendously favorable experience with isolation and loneliness and whether or not I survived. Much of this post was written (originally in blood) from the notes I took out in the bush. If I seem a little eccentric at times, I assure you I am not... The wealthy are eccentric, whereas the poor are crazy.

11. Begin to Notice the Little Things

"Tourist Attractions, Always the First To Go"
2012 Colored Pencil on Graph Paper

As I sit alone in my tent contemplating the meaning of life, I begin to notice things I'd never have noticed before. I begin to notice the little things: 'if I solely breathe through my nose I only have to open my mouth to eat, and if I puréed all my meals there'd be no reason for such a big hole in the middle of my face.' Even smaller observations begin to form like: 'why do my fingernails grow so quickly? I estimate they grow three, maybe four, times faster than my toenails. Is that typical of the fingernail?' Lastly, the minuscule can't even escape my observation. 'These tiny insects in my tent seem to be growing at an alarming rate. The little guys appear to be doubling in size daily. I swear they were a measly 1 millimeter a day ago, a minute 2 mm now, and tomorrow an undeniably miniature 4 mm. However at this current rate, after a week they'll be the sizable size of 6.5 centimeters and in two weeks a hefty 8.2 meters (roughly the size of a killer whale).' So here I am, sleeping beside Earth's next Armageddon, and I highly doubt they were planning on delivering the eviction notice from my own tent anytime soon! I now know it is my obligation privilege to kill "Gnatasaurus" "The Un-Gnatural" "Gnatstrosis"  "G-UNAT" while I still maintain the upper hand. Squish... Nobel Peace Prize.


10. Enjoy the Peace and Tranquility of the Night
There is no light pollution or the sound of TV and outside traffic. The night is quiet and pure. The stars are twinkling, there's a cool breeze blowing, and the angelic song of crickets are chirping off in the distance "Crick-Crick". The Moon is slowly setting illuminating the western horizon "Crick-Crick". The soft hooting of a barn owl satiated from her dusky hunt "Crick-Crick"...hmmm (silent pause) nothing to worry about. The last bits of a crackling fire slowly waning "Crick-Crick" whoa what the... alright Sam calm down 'breathe through your nose, wiggle your toes' (pause pause pause). A faint mist creeps methodically over the lake in the mid sum"Crick-Crick" What the Efff! Is this mother fucking cricket hunting me? Where is it? My tent, did I zip it up all the way?! Oh shit, maybe it's hopped into my sleeping bag!! Ehhhhhh, Show Yourself Demon Cricket!!!
P.S. You think Crickets get their name from the sound they make?

9. Let Nature In

I never would have believed it could happen to me, but I allowed nature to take me into its loving, fungal and nasty arms. It all started fairly quickly, only a week into my experience and I made my first huge step towards natural... I took out my Bluetooth. After that things progressed at an exponential rate, by day 10 I'd removed most major pieces of jewelry - my watches (plural), anklets and bracelets, and even some of my less gaudy and valuable chains. And as the two week mark approached, I began to wane off the cocoa butter. (I've been applying cocoa butter to my belly and torso to minimize stretch marks in early preparation for Thanksgiving and the Winter Holidays.) By the end of my stint out in the wild, I was a naked man wearing nothing but boxer briefs, slacks, a white beater, an undershirt, a collared shirt, my argyle sweater vest, wool socks, suede shoes, and my fedora. Nature-1 Sam-0!

Muscle tone and blurred out region may
be exaggerated.

8. Evolve
The Southwest coast of Oregon is surprisingly chilly in July and August. The summer heat has to battle fog, cold breezes, and rain; and heat is the perpetual loser. Because of this climate and living outdoors, my body evolved to the conditions. Some people reading that last sentences might want to correct me and say that my body adapted to the conditions, but they would be wrong. I'm quite sure there has been a change in my DNA structure that will be passed down to all of my offspring as a result of my isolation in the wilderness. This evolutionary change is hair...everywhere. And unfortunately unlike the Dashboard Confessional song, this hair is not screaming infidelities but rather screaming vagrancies. I've always had a thick head of hair and a fairly furry chest, but now all my bare parts have become more like bear parts. The hair starts at the uni-brow, continues down below the nose and chin, here it gets especially thick in the neck to chest region, it branches out to cover "all" limbs, and doesn't stop til the toenails. Watch out ladies there's a new man in town, and he's not afraid to wear long sleeves and turtlenecks in the summer time!


7. Time to Create and Let the Imagination Juices Flow
Isolation provides abundant amount of time to think. I utilized this time to create the next great screenplay, and without further ado... "Love for Real" - There is an English man, a writer, who recently finds his wife cheating on him with his brother. To cope with this betrayal and shock he buries himself in his work and begins to write his next novel. He moves out to a lake house in rural Spain a lake house in rural Portugal to free himself from distractions and love. Alas, there is an attractive Portuguese woman (she won't speak a lick of English) taking care of the lake house and the man as he focuses on work. At first, the man does not particularly notice this woman or have that "electric" interest in her, but with time and a few quirky mishaps (say... some of his work blows into the lake and she dives in to retrieve it) he starts falling in love with her. Eventually the man's work is done, and he must move back to London, but all he can think about is this mysterious Portuguese woman. He know's this is his "soul mate" and proceeds to learn Portuguese, find this woman, and propose to her in her tongue. His proposal, in broken Portuguese in a crowded restaurant, is genuine and heartfelt; her response, in broken English, is the same and an unhesitating yes. This is a love story that can stand on its own and not be muddled by various other subplots. So there you have it, when isolation provides the time, anyone can create an absolutely unique tale. I also came up with an idea about aliens and cowboys fighting each other, but it never really pieced harmoniously together.


6. An Escape from Pop Culture and Social Media
When roughing it out in the wilderness without a TV, one has little choice but to withdraw from the pop culture world... and withdrawals can be a good thing. It was especially pleasant to take a break from social networking and media. Of course occasionally I used the 4G on my smartphone to access Facebook and Twitter, but that's a far cry from having my laptop and internet at the ready. But aside from the occasional Facebook status updates and Twitter observations, I really had the opportunity to free myself from the mindless media. Except when I was eating breakfast... lunch or dinner. Is it even possible to eat without reading a little Sports Illustrated or Entertainment Weekly? And you can't expect me to do my "business" without working on a Peoples crossword! But it was really nice to escape from that mindless gossip and trivial banter for a little while.

5. Senses Enhanced
The foliage is filled with vibrant greens previously only seen in Pushing Daisies episodes.  The early morning fog is layered in gray (maybe 50 different shades), sea foam green, violet, and blue. The setting sun sends sheets of pink and orange streaking through the sky like Seekers on Nimbus 2000's. I can hear the fluttering of a butterfly and the belch of a bullfrog miles away. I can feel a storm brewing before the visible signs in the clouds. I can smell a... well I guess I would say it's a mixture of grapefruit and corn tortillas. Wait! Grapefruit and corn tortilla? Certainly this is not a natural or choice combination. And quite potent. It seems to be everywhere like it's following me. Oh boy, it may actually be... me. The colors now seem to be fading. I'm becoming deaf to all sounds. I'm numb. All that I'm aware of is Grapefruit and Corn Tortilla! Grapefruit and Corn Tortilla! Grapefruit and Corn Tortilla! Grapefruit and Corn Tortilla!!!

4. Become a Skinny Wiener
Tony Perkis: [over the loudspeakers] Time to wake up, campers! Today is evaluation day. The key word here is 'value.' Do you have any? Not yet! But before summer's over, this camp's gonna be filled with skinny winners! 
Roy: "Skinny wieners?" You hear that, guys? 

There are so many benefits of being overweight (at least 11), but losing the weight can also occasionally be beneficial. Living in the wilderness and fighting the elements, I (despite my best efforts) lost some weight and discovered some of the skinny benefits. Although my buoyancy diminished, I discovered the ability to move my arms and legs in a rhythmic motion through water. This motion allowed me to stay afloat and transport myself without a current, which is particularly useful on a current-less lake. Normally these movements would have drained my reserves (reserved for eating) but I found I had much more in reserve than before. Getting skinny also made me a less desirable target for carnivores. I can now swim or run away from danger (and we all know a predator is not looking for an annoying chase) and because there's less of me I'm less appetizing. That's what we call in the business a double whammy. Don't ask me what business!

3. Get to Know Yourself
Being out alone, isolated from humanity you don't get a lot of company. So you make friends with Yourself or "Yosef" as he likes to be called. He's really a great companion. He understands your jokes, he laughs to make you feel better when your down, he's even hungry when you're hungry. Yosef is always there for you... I mean literally always. I'll be trying to get some sleep and right next to me there'sYosef, pretending like he's also trying to go to sleep... as if I can't tell that he's not actually tired. And why is he in my tent? I mean common man give me just a little space. The other day I even caught him creeping into the bathroom with me. The guy's beginning to come off a little bit creepy- he was talking to himself about how he wouldn't need such a big mouth if he solely breathed through his nose and pureed all his food. Yikes! Conclusion, Yosef seems genuine  at first, but he doesn't understand or respect boundaries. Andddd he's always waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat and screaming. He's really starting to scare me.

2. Bronze
Because of all the fog and cloud cover, Southwest Oregon doesn't see copious amounts of sunlight. It typically reaches it's high of 65 around 3:00 pm during the couple hours gap between the dissipating morning fog and the slow approaching evening fog. Yet, despite the lack of direct sunlight, Papa (that's me) got bronze. Not like a white girl who was asked to prom way too late to properly prepare and quickly jumped into a tanning bed for 15 minutes bronze, but like Freida Pinto on a tropical island, caramel mocha bronze. Now what you need to know is that out in the wilderness there is no dress code but there are practical guidelines, like closed toe shoes and socks and in general durable apparel. And when one follows those guidelines while also unknowingly tanning, a very peculiar thing happens.

"Tan line: noun: the division between skin that has darkened or tanned from exposure to sun and skin that has not been exposed to sun."
Soooo, in exposed areas I looked like an Indian God (not the blue and four armed kind, but like the 'I have a choreographed dance and never quite kiss the girl at the end of the Bollywood movie' kind). In the unexposed areas - a Troglolad (patent pending).
Troglolad: noun: a male Homo sapien who resides the majority of his life in caves or similar dark places. Troglolads contain very little to no skin pigment and can often times be blind or even lacking of eyes at all.


1. Independent of money
Wise man once said: "You're either rich or you're poor." This may be true, but the wilderness doesn't consider monetary wealth in it's definitions of rich and poor. There's not much use of a "Jackson" or "Benjamin" when you're bartering with the squirrels. And it's pointless making it rain when the only strippers are a herd of elk stripping the bark off a birch. In the wilderness I became a wealthy man with the use of my fully functional brain and peanut butter. Everybody likes peanut butter, but none more so than squirrels. However, the squirrel is also a very cunning businessman or woman or I guess businesssquirrel. In order to get on their good side I had to "butter" them up. Once I had them as a trusting partner, the squirrels provided me with all sorts of goods: dry wood for fires, safe routes to fresh water, densely foliated areas for an afternoon siesta, and most importantly meat... juicy, sweet, fatty, peanut butter fed meat!

Top 11 Albums & Things and Such of 2011

Maybe I should change to a top 12 now that 2011 is over.

Top 11 Albums of 2011

11. ADELE

21

I almost didn't put this album on the list, not because it's not good enough, but because it's such a personal album. It feels odd to share such personal songs with other people, but obviously this album has been shared more than just about any other this year. 21 is one of the most popular and best selling albums of the year, but I am going to pretend like it's my own and listen to it alone.

Best Track: Someone Like You Ubber Personal

10. Paul Simon

So Beautiful or So What

At 70, Paul Simon is still making some seriously solid shit (probably from years of bran cereal). It might even be his best work since Graceland. He's one of the best singer/songwriters of all time, and he reminds us why with this album. Like usual, he combines meaningful lyrics with attractive music. It's funky and groovy, it's fun, it'll make you think, it's classic Paul Simon.

Best Track: The Afterlife Ponytail Guy=Way Cool

9. Tedeschi Trucks Band

Revelator

Tedeschi Trucks Band can best be described as "Dad" rock, and consequently my Dad loves them. TTB is an eleven piece band with the married couple Susan Tedeschi (singer/guitarist) and Derek Trucks (guitarist) in the forefront. Derek Trucks may be better known as the co-lead guitarist for the (new) Allman Brothers (And ummmm he's like totally awesome) while Tedeschi is more famous for her solo projects. However, together they put together a rockin', bluesy debut album.

Best Track: Midnight in Harlem (wait for the guitar solo!)

8. Real Estate

Days

Leaves, weather, beer, turning, swings, people doing things...This album reminds me of autumn. Not so much the beginning of football season, but more of the sitting in a hammock on a sunny, clear day with a cool breeze. That's kind of what Real Estate is, a breezy indie rock group that's still warm and relaxing. The album sounds effortless and each song fits and transitions perfectly well together.

Best Track: It's Real Bonus. They're Dog Lovers.

7. Cults

Cults

It's a short album, but it's a dandy. Cults made a name for themselves with their breakout single "Go Outside", which also appears on this debut album; and it certainly doesn't hurt that they have relatives of celebrities as a fan base: Dave Franco and Emma Roberts (she's kind of a celebrity herself). At times it seems like this album is a little too cutesy, but through and through its well put together, fun, and we realize the cutesyness is actually charm.

Best Track: You Know What I Mean Zbylski Doing Things!

6. We Were Promised Jetpacks

In the Pit of the Stomach

If this was a list of best band names/album covers, they would win hands down. Ultimately this is not that list, however, this is still a great album. A solid follow up to WWPJ debut album These Four Walls that came out in 2009. In the Pit of the Stomach, doesn't have the breakout singles like "Quiet Little Voices" and " It's Thunder And It's Lightning"; but overall it's probably a stronger album. They're sound is kind of like Explosions in the Sky but with lyrics and a singer... so they're better. A good example can be heard in "Sore Thumb" and "Boy in the Backseat".

Best Track: Medicine Maybe not the best track but the best video.

5. The Antlers

Burst Apart

As far as I can tell they don't do music videos, which I respect... I think. Burst Apart, is a hauntingly beautiful album. Peter Silberman (singer, songwriter, guitarist, band creator) has one of those unforgettable "stick with you all week" kind of voices, and each song is unique and well thought out. However above all, the lyrics (although often times simple) make this album memorable and special.

Best Track: Putting the Dog to Sleep Live together Die alone.

4. Yuck

Yuck

Yuck rhymes with suck, which this album does not. (It also rhymes with duck and ducks fly together). This band kind of sounds and looks like they're in the wrong decade, but man they're cool. Their median age is a youthful 21, yet their debut self titled album is quite diverse and sophisticated. Each song is hook after hook, and Yuck is composed of talented musicians, not a bad combo. Really they're a pretty mature band. I'd bet my first child (if it's a ginger) that Yuck is going to be around for a long while.

Best Track: Get Away Where did they come from and how did they meet, best looking band of the year.

3. Bon Iver

Bon Iver

Bon Iver's done it again. After the success of For Emma Forever Ago, they've gained a unique quiet confidence. It's not in your face but you feel it's presence. Justin Vernon has that beautifully comforting falsetto to combine with gorgeous and heart felt lyrics. Every song puts the listener in a different state or brings up a special memory. It's impossible not to get lost in this album: Lost in thought, lost in remembrance, lost in wonder, lost in space?. Bon Iver is another one of those albums that's so popular yet hard to share because it stimulates or stirs a different memory for each individual.

Best Track: Holocene close second Towers The whole album is great picking two was tough.

2. Fleet Foxes

Helplessness Blues

The harmonies and the wholesomeness of their sound remind me of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young... definitely not a bad thing. They are completely accessible and relatable. They write about common situations and stories most have experienced in a similar fashion, but they add a certain kind of passion behind their lyrics that suggest the stories mean something more. As many know the fox is one of the most successful predators, it quickly adapts to an environment while also influencing that environment to benefit its own needs. Similarly, Fleet Foxes are invading, influencing, and changing the construction of popular music.

Best Track: Tie Helplessness Blues and Montezuma Oh Man Oh My Oh Me.

1. The Decemberists

The King is Dead

Colin Meloy and gang are some of the best story tellers out there, and they continue this prowess with The King is Dead. It's a rockin' album with a little bluegrass and folk influence, and of course, like most great rock albums, a little politically motivated. They have very catchy beats and one can get distracted by them, but it is so important to listen to the lyrics. For instance, "Calamity Song" has a very upbeat happy tone, but if the title doesn't give it away the song is actually about the end of the world. It's really quite delightful and unique. The least anyone can say about the Decemberists is that they're different and interesting, and that's volumes more than anyone can say about most bands.

Best track: June Hymn It doesn't make sense that a band called The Decemberists could make such a great song about June... unless they were from the Southern Hemisphere where December's really June. Kind of.

Top 11 Things and Such of 2011

11. A team that isn't loaded with superstars wins the NBA Finals. Well done Mavericks.

10. A legitimate competitor to dethrone the Snuggie from its dominance over other blanket-like apparel, Forever Lazy, becomes available. It's got a poop chute!!!

9. The End of the World didn't come...again. Harold Camping, a Christian Radio broadcaster, predicted the end of the world would happen on May 21, 2011. Guess what it didn't. He had previously predicted Judgement Day to be May 21, 1988 and September 6, 1994. Poor poor Harold, he lives another day in disgrace.

8. Game of Thrones HBO Television Series. The fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin was destined to be turned into an HBO series with all the sex, violence, and dire wolves.

7. The Rearrangement of College Football. All the teams that switched conferences didn't do particularly well (except Boise State), but a little change is nice... even if you moved away from Texas, Nebraska*, and Oklahoma to play Oregon, USC, and Stanford.

*Maybe they were trying to move away from Colorado. Maybe?

6. Earth #2 aka Kepler-22b. Scientists discover a planet only 600 light years away that might have a climate suitable for life (carbon based life at least). But can we give it a different name like Jabroni (Jah-Bro-Knee) or Farfromearth (Far-From-Earth) or something.

5. Fall/Winter Family Films that didn't totally blow. In fact, they were really very good. Hugo (the best), The Adventures of Tintin, and of course The Muppets! A new Muppet movie released to theaters, and its great. who woulda thunk? Man or Muppet so so good.

4. I'm a little mad at Chipotle right now for taking away the student drink, but this commercial is terrific. Coldplay's "The Scientist"+Willie Nelson+Chipotle+Sustainable land use & Environmental awareness=Something really special.

3. A solid year for the summer blockbuster starting off with Bridesmaids and ending with Rise of the Planet of the Apes. It was a hot summer and what better way to cool off then to go to the theaters and catch X Men: First Class, or Super 8, or Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II.

2. New Girl on Fox. A great new TV series about Zooey Deschanel being super adorable and living with three righteous (especially Schmidt) dudes.

1. Tebowing! Tebow is awesome, but Tebowing is awesomer! Plus, just about anyone can do it... as long as they aren't hugely overweight, have knee problems, or bedridden (for the bedridden I suggest planking).

Honorable Mention for both lists:

Various Artists

The Green Album

Written by Muppets performed by humans. A great album with a couple of exceptions. Check it...Green Album My Morning Jacket Our World.

Childish Gambino

CAMP

I like Donald Glover's singles better than this album. Check out Freaks and Geeks...Minority report

Coldplay

Mylo Xyloto

It's not the Coldplay I love, but it's certainly not bad. Cool video.

Spotify. It's great, I'm just not all that keen on paying for things, and therefore I will never get the full Spotify experience.

The cast for the upcoming movie Hunger Games. It's a great book, and so obviously I was worried they'd ruin it with a bad movie. But I'm optimistic with this solid cast.

Top 11 Worst People at a Football Game

11. The Shy Uncomfortable Quiet Person
Every group has one. This person is too afraid to cheer on their favorite team so they kind of just stand or sit there quietly not sure how to react. They aren’t necessarily having a bad time; they’re just too embarrassed and shy to act like a fan. The smart ones, who don’t want to be put on the spot, often develop techniques to hide their awkwardness. My favorite: “The Mout” or “Mute Shout”. The Mout is often seen when "Uncomfortable Quiet Person" notices the teleprompter signs to “Get Louder” or “Make Some Noise”. To fit in they will often open their mouth and pretend to be screaming hoping it’s too loud for anyone to notice that nothing is actually coming out, hints the Mout. Quiet, shy people should probably stay at home to watch the game or pay the extra for a box seat.

10. The BruiserAhh yes, who is the lucky person who gets to stand next to the Bruiser? “The Bruiser” is quite literally the overly-excited fan that enjoys beating on his/her comrades. I say “his/her” but let’s be honest it is almost always a “his”. After a touchdown or even a first down the "Bruiser" punches you in the arm or smacks your back or butt. This is not a light punch or smack, oh no it’s pretty close to full force. Another key move is “The Shake”. The Bruiser forcefully grabs you by the shoulders and literally shakes you until he’s satisfied with the percentage powdered vertebrae to those only partially fractured (Typically a 95-100% satisfaction rate!) Keep small children away from this fan.

9. The Debbie DownerLet’s face it, we all know at least one and probably quite a few “Debbie Downers” especially if your team hasn’t been good for a while. They are easily recognizable as the person who “just doesn’t care anymore!” When in fact they care very much and are the first back on the bandwagon (because they never really got off). This person likes to throw around sentences like: “Oh! Here we go again.” and “Welp I coulda seen that coming!” Whatever the team did to this person the damage has been done, and it is now nearly impossible to please him/her. Say their team has a big win, they’ll respond with “I guess the other team took an off day” or “I don’t want to get too excited so that they (his/her team) can just tear me down next week”. There may not be a solution to the “Debbie Downer”. They just need to be avoided and ignored so their whining cannot contaminate anyone else’s enjoyment.

8. The Other
There is very little more annoying than being situated next to someone rooting for the other team. They have a right to be at the game and they’re probably sitting with a friend or a family member from the good guys, but they should never be cheering. Often times they try to be the loudest one there in an attempt to say “hey we have better fans than you.” Whatever you do, do not egg this person on by yelling at them to “sit down” or “go over to your own section”. Obviously if they are loud and annoying they want the attention. The best thing to do is when your team scores or has some huge play get loud, overly excited, jumping up and down, and if on “accident” you happen to spill “The Others” beer or soda all over him/her in your jubilatory dance apologize BUT Do Not buy a new one!

7. The Bitter Ex-Player
He played second string wide receiver on the JV squad his sophomore year of high school, but if he were out there he would’ve made that catch. The “truth” is coach never really gave him a chance. Sure he was only 5’2” and a little more than 180 pounds with a 5.8 40 time, but he understood football. Athleticism will only get you so far (the Pros) but if you really understand the game nothing can stop you…except maybe that guy who would’ve been guarding you who is a foot taller with 4.3 speed. Ex-player: “I could’ve completed that pass.” Yeah maybe with a NERF Vortex football (not saying those are lame because they’re totally awesome) or when you were playing 8 vs. 8 2A football in high school against the freshman team. The best thing you can do for one of these “Bitter Ex-Players” is encourage them to try out for the team as a walk on.

6. The Insider
“The Insider” knows all! He is most easily recognized as the guy predicting the next play as if he were in fact the coach or an offensive coordinator. In respect to him, he does know a lot about his team and football lingo, but he’s also probably an arrogant ass. He likes to talk to people he doesn’t know and who are trying to avoid eye contact with his constant staring. Once recognition is initiated he states things like: “they’ll blitz the corners on this play and drop back a linebacker.” Unfortunately he is sometimes right, which just encourages him to predict every one of the next plays. However, the worst situation is if his prediction is wrong and the other team has a big play he now has the right to gloat about “if they would’ve listened to me” or “I should be running this team.” On the other hand, when he predicts a play and they do something totally different and it works out perfectly; you have the right no no the obligation to give him shit. “Hey buddy maybe if you were running this team we’d be looking at another 3rd and long.”

5. The ProfessorNow this guy is not actually a professor, he just believes himself to be an expert on all things football. He’s the one in the stands probably by himself wearing the radio Walkman circa 1995. For awhile he may not seem too special until you or someone near you questions a call or even comments about a certain play. For instance: You- “Oh I’ve never heard of that call before.” The Professor (leaning in a bit too close with strong nacho breath)- “ Well ever since Ken Stabler and the “Holy Roller” (he will make quotations in the air) of the Oakland Raiders on September 10, 1978 beat the Chargers blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda.” A little while later: You- “Man that was an amazing play I can’t believe he got that off (of course not directed toward The Professor).” The Professor-“John Elway of the late 80’s was a far better scrambler, in fact…” Bottom line is I don’t really care for a history listen or bits of hotdog spit in my face Thank You Very Much.

4. The New Couple
What’s the best thing about a football game? If you answered standing next to your buddy and his new girlfriend smooching it up, you’re probably a creep. I can handle hand holding and the occasional celebratory hug or peck on the check, but anything more gets a tad uncomfortable. The “New Couple” aren’t bad people just confused (due to excess hormone production) of their surroundings. So here is a short list of do’s and don’ts. First of all, the only kind of tongue action that should be Okayed at a game is when licking the mustard off the edge of your own lips. Second, the sensual rubbing of each other’s backs especially when the hand slips under the shirt is a definite no no. Remember there is probably someone standing/sitting right behind you potentially capable of reading out the words being “written” by your finger tips on her back. Third, a football game is no place for terms of endearment like “snookums”, “sweet-pea”, or “honey-buns”. Plus I’m pretty sure “honey-buns” is not endearing and certainly not something to be shared amongst a crowded stadium, that actually might be something worth checking out at the doctor’s office.

3. The Dumb Drunk Kid Yelling at Referees/Own Team’s PlayersThey are probably right behind you and have something to say about every call (detrimental or beneficial) and every play. Let me paint you a picture: It’s 3rd and 10, our quarterback is scrambling out of the pocket, and nobody’s open down field, he takes off running and picks up the ten yards. A great play on most accounts. However, the quarterback (Our Quarterback!) ducks out of bounds or slides before he gets hit causing these guys behind you to yell “pussy” and “be a man” (once again to our quarterback)because it is more important to risk injury after the fact of making a great play than save yourself for the rest of the season. Another quick example: The opposing team’s kicker makes a field goal, it’s signaled good, and the kids behind you yell “bullshit” BEAUTIFUL! Obviously we in the stands on the 30 yard line have a better angle than the refs directly beneath each upright.

2. The Wave StarterArguably the worst individual in the stadium! The “Wave Starter” believes himself to be the most devoted and enthusiastic fan. He believes a successful wave indicates his power and the want for everyone else to be as awesome as him. He uses the words awesome and stoked on a daily basis. He believes everyone not doing the wave is a bad fan. He has now missed the last five minutes of the game trying to get the wave going. He is also the same guy who tries to rush the field after a mediocre win over a .500 team. He is sometimes a she but on very few occasions. He is probably not wearing a shirt accompanied with neon colored shorts and high socks. He doesn’t tie his shoes. He brushes up against your girlfriend. He is Doucher McDoucherson. He is “The Wave Starter”.

1. The Sick KidOf course you are seated next to the kid who pre-gamed a little too hard and now is having trouble holding down his twelfth beer that hour. Or maybe it’s the kid who accidently swallowed his mouth full of chew. “The Sick Kid” is first referred to as “The Farter” before the alcohol really starts to kick in and the farts gain a little more substance. If you’re lucky and next to him, you get to endure the occasional gagging or maybe even a little vomit production. Best case scenario he has to get up and go to the bathroom every five minutes. I used the pronoun “he” because in my experience I have never encountered the “Sick Kid” girl. She usually has the decency, common sense, or just doesn’t have the will power to make it into the stadium. So it’s that “Guy” dry heaving bent over asshole unable to open his eyes that I’m talking about as the #1 Worst Person at a football game.